My Friend, The Hacker
by MzLuluZombie
Summary: What happens when you put all of the other Special Infected with my own little Special Infected OC? Chaos… and gum chewing. Rated for language, possible gore and 'cause the game's an 18.
1. Meet the Hacker

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Left 4 Dead, nor do I own the survivor characters, any of the Infected (save Hacker, MINE) or anything else in the game. This awesome zombie killing multiplayer wonder was created by Valve/Steam/I don't know, look it up. ¬_¬ I don't own that song that I always hear but can never figure out the name.

* * *

1. Meet the Hacker

"# Get around, 'round, 'round, I get around!" the Hunter sang (or… whatever form of speech/communication the Infected have) to himself. He was jumping about from one rooftop to the other in a wrecked city, trying to keep himself amused. Things were pretty boring since most of the Immunes had been eaten, ripped to shreds and or beaten with sticks.

"# I get arooooouuuund, da da da daaaaaaaaaa, do do do do dooooooo – What the - ?" Within one simple second, Hunter had jumped, spotted something and crashed into the brick wall of the building he was aiming for. He slid down for a while, then fell and landed in a pile of trash. Growling, Hunter sprang up and pounced out of the alley to find the thing that caught his eye.

"Thank God, I thought I'd lose my other ear with your racket." Hunter turned around to see an unfamiliar Infected limping towards him.

From the figure, it looked like a girl in her early teens. Her dark hair was short and messy, effectively hiding her eyes. Her faded blue-grey sweater was ripped at the sleeves and bloodstained in various spots, with the words 'U SUCK' printed across the chest area. Her shorts were black and looked like the type most kids wore for gym in school, and only her right foot had a ripped white sock and a black shoe with the laces undone. What was noticeable was the bald patch on the top of her head, the limpness of her empty sleeves (implying her lack of arms) and her thick-layered neck, expanded slightly as she wheezed. Her left foot was bare, save for the strange, dull red sticky stuff that stuck her foot to the ground.

This strange infected stopped in front of Hunter, pulling her left foot off the ground only to put it back down again. Hunter blinked, leaned in and sniffed her hair. She leaned back and knocked Hunter back with one of her arms. He was right, she didn't have arms, because he felt the stumps where there should have been elbows.

"What? You never see another zombie before?" she asked, taking a step back. She yanked her sticky foot back with her with an annoyed grunt. Hunter raised an eyebrow (though you couldn't tell anyway due to the hood). This one didn't smell common, so she had to be a Special Infected. Just to be sure, Hunter circled around her, looking her up and down, curious. He tried to sniff the sticky stuff on her left foot, but she kicked him in the nose. He yelped and jumped back. "So you can sing, or at least TRY to, but you can't talk?"

"I can too talk!" Hunter retorted, still covering his nose. "Just who are you? And why haven't I seen you around?"

The newbie wheezed and moved her head a little, as though she were rolling her eyes. "Maybe I don't wanna be seen? If the crying one can be antisocial then so can I!"

Hunter thought for a moment. Crying one? Was she talking about the Witch? So, this Infected knew about them, but they didn't know about her.

"…Hello? Screaming dude?" Hunter stood up from his crouch and stared the short girl in the face… or, technically due to her hairstyle, fringe.

"That's 'Hunter'. I'm a Hunter. And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"What are you? Some kind of Spitter of maybe a girl Smoker-"

"Neither," she interrupted. "Why would you think I'm them?"

"I dunno… the weird wheezing problem?" Hunter suggested. He felt the impact of her free foot as it smacked into his chin. He growled and tried to leap on her for an attack, but she leaned to the side and he missed, crashing into another trash can.

"The Smoker doesn't wheeze, he coughs, and the Spitter… I dunno, she squeals or something."

"Well then what are you?!" Hunter snapped, kicking the trash can away as he got back up. The Infected turned around to look at him. She made a strange sound, like she were trying to breath through a tight space. Then she hacked something in his direction. A big ball of pink-ish goo splashed over Hunter and stuck him to the wall. He tried to pull himself off, but it was too sticky.

"Name's Hacker," she introduced, turning her back on him. "In case you didn't guess, I hack stuff up. Good day, screaming dude." With that, Hacker limped away, pulling her sticky foot along.

"Hey! Get back here!" Hunter yelled, still trying to pull himself off the wall. "I'm not done with you yet! HEY! GET ME OFFA THIS DAMN WALL!"

* * *

Well, there you have it. Writer's block has taken hold and now I'm stuck with a series of short stories about my own little Infected character, Hacker. Tell me what you think. Expect her to butt heads with Hunter more often.


	2. Dances With Trash Cans

**DISCLAIMER:** If I owned L4D Hacker would be more powerful than the Tank… maybe not, but still! I don't own Beanie Babies either. If I did, there would be a Pikachu one. And Infected ones. I want a Witch Beanie Baby, damnit!

Steal my character and I'll set the Witch on you. I'll tell her you were the one who ruined her manicure.

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2. Dances With Trash Cans

"Guys! Guys!" Hunter stomped into the permanently closed toy store with various pieces of trash stuck to his hoodie. He tried one last time to yank the trash can lid off of his foot. And failed once more. Hunter growled in annoyance and gnawed on the edge of the metal with his teeth.

"Damn that shortie! Damn her to immunity!" he growled again. A familiar coughing sounded from a back room. "Yo! Smoker! Get in here and give me a hand!"

"No."

"SMOKEY! Get your slimy tongue in here and HELP, DAMNIT!!!"

"I told you not to call me that!" Smoker walked in with a snarl on the less-mutated side of his face. He flicked the cigarette he had been smoking into a pile of trashed toys and looked at the Hunter's foot. The snarl on his deformed face turned into an amused smirk. "Woah, what happened to you?"

"I ran into a new face. Mind helping me get this off?" Hunter asked, glaring. Smoker chuckled and sent his long tongue out to grab the handle of the lid. "Alright, on three, we both pull." Hunter dug his claws into the counter next to him and kept his glued foot in the air. Smoker gave him a thumbs up.

"1… 2… 3!" Smoker reeled in his long tongue while Hunter tried to claw his way along the counter. The sticky stuff between his foot and the metal lid stretched, and after some effort, snapped. Hunter went flying forward and crashed into a shelf of Beanie Babies. Smoker stumbled back as the edge of the lid smacked against his head. He too crashed into a shelf. But the toy cars were harder than Beanie Babies.

"OW! That's it, next time… whatever the hell happens to you, you're on your own," Smoker complained, rubbing his head where an Optimus Prime toy had landed. Hunter poked his head out of the pile of beanies and spat a bunny toy out of his mouth.

"Finally! I missed being on all fours!" Hunter sighed with relief, jumping out of the mess and landing on the counter.

"How'd it get stuck on your foot anyway?" Smoker asked, walking over and putting the trash lid on the floor. "And what's this about a 'new face'?"

"Ever hear of an Infected called Hacker?" Hunter asked. His friend looked sceptical.

"'Hacker'? I doubt that hacking networks would help kill off the survivors right now," Smoker pointed out. Hunter shook his head in annoyance.

"No, no, no, she hacks stuff up! Y'know, like Boomer and Spitter!"

"Oh. And what does she hack up exactly?"

"I have no idea, but it's real sticky," the hooded one mumbled, yanking a tin can from his sleeve. "…I think it's flem or something. Anyway, she's a real bitch. She kicked me in the face twice and left me stuck to a wall! For two hours!" Hunter ranted, growling. "I had to watch some Common chase the first Immune I've seen for a WEEK while I couldn't do my thing! Because I was STUCK to a F#%ING WALL because of HER!!!"

Suddenly furious, Hunter pounced onto the Beanie Babies and started ripping them to shreds. Smoker caught the small, decapitated head of a cat and sighed.

"Alas, poor Frisco… he got what was coming to him," he said sarcastically, tossing it over his shoulder. "Hey, you done with your episode yet?"

Hunter was crouched in the middle of his carnage, brightly coloured fabric and clumps of stuffing everywhere. There was a growl deep in his throat as he slowly crawled back onto the counter.

"S-sorry," he managed to say, spitting out a piece of fluff. There was an amused snicker from the entrance and both Infected turned to look. Hunter tensed when he saw the familiar, armless short person. "That's her! Smoker, that's the one I was telling you about!"

"Sup?" Hacker limped into the room and stood about a metre from Hunter, keeping her distance. "So how was the wall?"

Hunter screeched when he was reminded. He made a leap for her, but a slimy tongue wrapped around his neck and stopped him.

"Cool it, Hunter." Smoker took a step forward and held out a hand. "Name's Smoker, the one with the tongue."

"Hacker… the one lacking arms." She held out her stumpy arms, the loose sleeves swishing from movement. Feeling awkward, Smoker dropped his hand.

"Oh. Sorry."

"No prob."

"WOULD YOU JUST LET ME KILL HER?!" Hunter rasped, trying to loosen the tongue's grip. His friend shook his head.

"Where are your manners?"

"WHEN DID YOU GET ANY?!"

"It's OK, I kinda deserve it," Hacker insisted. "I did sorta stick him to a wall. And break his nose."

"MY NOSE IS FINE!"

"And how am I supposed to tell, Hood Boy?" There was more screeching as Hunter clawed at Hacker, just missing by inches. Smoker sighed and shook Hunter a little with his tongue.

"I'll stop choking you if you start behaving. Deal?" Hunter screeched in protest, but Smoker's tongue only tightened its grip. Hunter growled in reluctance, but eventually stopped struggling. The tongue uncoiled and Smoker reeled it into his mouth, or as much of it as he could. He looked back at Hacker. "So, what's your thing?"

"This." Hacker made the wheezy sound Hunter had heard earlier. He ducked behind Smoker when her throat expanded like a frog's, not willing to be stuck to anything again. Hacker then hacked something out of her mouth into the middle of the trash lid on the floor, the same sticky, dull pink stuff Hunter had been a victim of earlier. He and Smoker looked back at the shorter one. "I hack up this gummy crap."

"That's it?" Hunter risked it and came out from behind Smoker. "That's all you can do? What if an Immune comes right up to you and tries to attack, how will you defend yourself?" he asked. It wasn't hard to guess that it took a while for this Infected to hack something up, and without arms, she couldn't exactly claw at anyone. Hacker smirked, amused.

"I can do the Trash Can Can Can."

"…The what?" Hunter should've seen it coming. Hacker's free foot lifted high above him, came down, smacked the back of his head and sent him face first into the trash can lid. The one she had hacked her gummy stuff into just a moment ago.

"Try being nicer next time," Hacker called, walking away. Smoker was trying to contain his laughter as the dazed Hunter stood up, his face replaced by the circle of metal.

"You… look… ridiculous…" Smoker managed to get out. With a muffled series of what you would guess to be curses, Hunter felt around and grabbed the first Beanie Baby he could find, and crushed it in his clawed hand.

* * *

I found this VERY amusing to type. I had a few other things to add to this chapter, but I thought I'd save them for later.

Beanie Babies will haunt you. They will burn holes in your pockets. You buy them only to stick them on a shelf, and your kids are traumatised whenever you yell at them for playing with the stuffed little nightmares. Beware.

Later Days.


	3. Boomer Bile Shower

**DISCLAIMER**: I'm not Valve or Steam or whatever. 'Kay?

Hacker is mine. Don't make me hurt you.

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3. Boomer Bile Shower

"So, what do you guys do around here for fun?" Hacker asked, limping along down the street. She was tagging along with Smoker and Hunter, like some pesky little sister, to the great annoyance of Hunter and to the 'who-gives-a-crap' of Smoker. To prevent any 'unfortunate accidents', Smoker chose to stand between the two.

"We try to stop survivors from leaving the city."

"You mean those immune bastards with the guns?"

"Yep."

"But we haven't seen any in ages," Hunter pointed out. Then he tensed up. "'cept for the one last night, which I could've gotten."

"Then why didn't you?" He glared at Hacker.

_LOOK at her. That smug little bitch,_ he thought angrily, snarling while she kept grinning at him. "Like. You. Don't. Know," he managed to say through his teeth. Her grin widened, showing a couple of her pointed teeth.

"Ha."

"Okay, you stop growling," Smoker instructed, poking Hunter's nose with a finger. Then he looked at Hacker. "And you stop provoking him. You're still new."

"Fine," Hacker sighed, doing the motion that implied she was rolling her eyes. Smoker nodded with satisfaction, then frowned when he realised something.

"…Crap, I sound like I'm your mother." Hunter snickered, and Hacker gave another 'Ha'. Smoker glared at both of them. "Don't make me strangle you both."

"BLEEEH!!!" The three special infected look around into the dark alleyway. There was a round shape next to a big garbage can, and from the sounds of it, he was throwing up. Boomer pulled his head out and dodged the group of zombies that charged to the garbage. "Stupid pizza. Why's it always the one with pepperoni?"

"Who's that?" Hacker asked, getting shoved aside by another crazy common. Smoker smacked one in the back of the head before he answered.

"That's Boomer. He throws up some kind of horde attracting crap."

"Huh." Hacker waited, then she turned to look at Hunter. "…If Boomer can attract zombies, does that mean Hunter can REPEL them with his 'singing'?" Hacker asked, grinning at Hunter again. Hunter growled again.

"Watch it, shortie."

"Sure thing, pouncie."

"I need a cigarette," Smoker sighed, rubbing one of his temples.

"Who's this?" Boomer now stood in front of them, pointing a chubby finger at the armless infected. While Hunter kept his focus on the Hacker, Smoker half-heartedly raised a hand and pointed at each infected when saying their name.

"Boomer, Hacker, Hacker, Boomer, she pisses Hunter off, he's pissed at her and I haven't smoked in an hour." Smoker poked a thumb into his own vest at the mention of his name. Boomer looked at Hacker, a little confused.

"…So how long have you been in the city?" he asked. Hacker shrugged.

"How should I know? I lost my calendar when it stopped sticking to my foot."

"Really?"

"No." Smoker got the feeling that she was the type who liked sarcasm. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all.

"…Hey, where'd Hunter go?" Hacker asked, looking at the empty space where the hoodied one once was. All three looked around, but aside from the zombies still screaming in the trash can, there was nothing moving in sight.

"…RRAAAARGH!!!"

"OW! Hunter, get off!"

Smoker and Hacker looked to see Hunter on Boomer's shoulders, aiming Boomer's face towards Hacker. Smoker took this in and took a slow side step.

"Told you not to provoke him."

"Let's see you run, shortie!" Hunter jabbed Boomer's side with his foot and Boomer's cheeks puffed. A stream of green bile shot from the round one's mouth and splashed onto Hacker, covering her from head to toe. She lifted her stubbing arms to see her sleeves dripping with puke.

"…Ew." She looked at the trash can and saw all of the common infected look at her. "…Oh. Crap."

"See ya!" Hunter cackled, jumping off Boomer and shooting out of the alley. But he felt strange. There was suddenly some extra weight on the back of his hoodie as he passed Hacked. He looked over his shoulder and froze. "What the HELL are you DOING?!"

Hacker was lying on the ground behind him, her sticky foot firmly stuck to the back of his hoodie. She had a blank expression, but there was pure amusement in her voice when she said, "Let's see YOU run, hoodie."

"You crazy little bitch!" Smoker laughed, dodging the charging crowd of commons. Hunter growled and started jumping ahead to escape the horde, taking an unwanted Hacker with him. And all the while she just kept laughing inside her head.

* * *

Hours later, Hunter was perched at the top of a street lamp, mumbling curses to himself about the horde waiting below. Hacker was dangling below him, her foot still stuck to his hoodie.

"…Ha."

"Shut up."

* * *

Yeah, Hacker's a bitch. And yes, this chapter is LAME. Originally I was going to have a profile of her here but I thought I'd save it for later.

Please read and review to tell me what you think. And don't smoke!

**Smoker**: Bitch.

Later Days!


	4. A Hazardous Crush

**DISCLAIMER**: *Hacks up gum* I own this. The rest belongs to Steam/Valve.

HACKER IS MINE, BITCHES!

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4. A Hazardous Crush

Hunter took a peek around the corner of the hallway in one of the empty office buildings. No commons, no survivors, but more importantly, no Hacker. He walked down the hallway casually, humming a random tune he vaguely recalled from before the infection.

It had been about a week since the new addition to the Special Infected of the city. And there had been nothing but trouble. Hacker seemed to be everywhere Hunter went, all for one purpose; being annoying. She stuck him to various things or stuck various things to him. She always took any opportunity to provoke him. And she always tried to find ways to make his dead life a living hell.

There was only one thing that Hunter could think about right now; all girls were bitches. Especially infected ones. …Well, maybe not all of them.

A familiar sobbing caught Hunter's ear and he froze. Oh, how he longed to make that sobbing stop. He flattened himself low to the ground and crawled slowly, hearing the sobs get louder and louder. He found himself at the entrance of a big room of cubicle offices and stuck his head slowly around the edge of the doorframe.

There she was. One of the least mutated of the Special Infected. Save for him. The Witch was pretty to Hunter. In the right light, she went all the way to beautiful in the blink of an eye. The paleness of her skin, the fragile appearance, the way her hair would hide her face. Her bloodstained claws were something Hunter thought the two had in common. He couldn't stop daydreaming of them skipping through a field of flowers, slashing and clawing the guts out of survivors. Maybe then she'd stop sobbing and Hunter could hear her laugh with delight for a change. But alas, all he could do was keep his distance, because he just couldn't find the courage to say he liked her. That and she'd growl, be startled and go psycho on his ass.

"…So when you're not hunting, you're stalking?" Hunter flinched and prayed he was mistaken. Witch flinched a little too, but she went back to her gentle crying. Hunter sighed with relief, glad that his crush didn't start her psycho thing, but caught something with the corner of his eye. A black shoe and a foot covered in a reddish, gum-like goop.

…_Crap,_ he thought, and looked up at the most annoying thing in his life so far.

"'Sup, Stalker?" she asked. Hunter could hear a grunt of surprise behind him and panicked. He stood up, slapped a hand over Hacker's mouth and pulled her behind the wall that separated them from Witch. "Mmf!"

"What're you doing here?!" he hissed. Hunter pulled his hand from her mouth to see a string of 'gum', and stuck a tongue out in disgust. "Nice."

"Sorry." She didn't mean it. "And I'm bored."

"Go play with Boomer or something," Hunter grumbled, rubbing the gum onto Hacker's sleeve. She shook her head.

"Can't. A survivor shot him. He's fine, the survivor got his ass kicked, but Smoker says he can't move for a while."

* * *

"How the hell did you survive this?" Smoker asked, looking at the top and bottom halves of Boomer lying on the street. Boomer's top half shrugged.

"I dunno. Can zombies use med kits?" he asked, holding up the severed hand of a survivor, that hand holding a med kit.

* * *

"Well go bother Tank or something," Hunter growled, hearing the sobs start again. Hacker shook her head.

"Can't find him."

"Sure you can! Just follow the sounds of cars being thrown!" Hunter turned Hacker around and started pushing her towards the stairs, but she ducked and hopped over to the doorway, now in sight of the Witch. Hunter twitched and pounced over to her, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. "Are you trying to get killed?!"

"Are you? She's got friggin' claws that'll tear you to shreds, why would you be here?" Hacker asked. Hunter felt his pale cheeks heat up, which was weird, what with him being dead and all, and tried to get Hacker to move away with little success. He cursed at her sticky foot.

"It's, uh… tracking practise!" he lied, putting on his most convincing smile. Hacker looked sceptical.

"Why are you smiling at me?" she asked. Then a smile started to grow on her face as the wheels in her head started to turn.

_Crapcrapcrap,_ Hunter thought. Hacker snickered.

"Oh, man, this is rich! Wait 'til I tell the others!" she laughed, starting to walk away.

"NO!" Hunter yelped, grabbing her empty sleeve. He heard Witch growling in the background and brought his voice down to a low volume again. "I don't care if Tank'll crush me for it, I'll rip you to shreds if you tell them!"

"Tell them what? That you're a stalker?"

"_Grrrr…"_

Hunter slapped his hand over Hacker's mouth again. "Shut. Up."

"Mmmph," Hacker mumbled from behind his hand, which seemed to resemble a 'Fine'. Hunter quickly pulled his hand away so as not to get more gum on his hand, and thankfully, Hacker started to whisper. "So what's the deal with this then? It's unhealthy, y'know."

"No it's not, because I'm not stalking her!" Hunter hissed, taking a quick peek around the corner to check that Witch was fine. She was hesitating, but at least her breathing wasn't so heavy. "Sh-she just happened to be here while I was hiding."

"From what?"

_Don't give her the satisfaction,_ Hunter thought, turning to glare at her. "Those immunes. They jumped me down in one of the alleys and I had to retreat." Hacker pouted. She was clearly trying to sense a lie in there, but with her little explanation of Boomer's 'incapacity', his lie was plausible. "Now let's just go and see how Boomer's doing."

"Not so fast." Hacker blocked his way with her stubby arms outstretched. Hunter could easily jump over her but… he may as well humour her.

"What?" he groaned, his agitation growing. Hacker limped in front of his and looked him straight in the eye… or, technically, the shadow of his hood.

"It's still an _unhealthy_ crush."

"How?" Hunter growled.

"'Cause she can rip you to pieces and, if she feels like it, KILL you with one scratch! If that's not unhealthy, I don't know what is!"

"She wouldn't do something like that!" Hunter retorted, pouncing back to the doorway and looking around the corner. "She only does it when she's startled." He stopped himself from imagining the deadly look Witch had during a startling and looked back over at Hacker. "And I don't plan to startle her anytime soon."

"Well then why don't you try talking instead?" Hacker asked. Hunter stood up and when nose-to-nose with Hacker.

"Are you NUTS?! Everything startles her, even talking!" he hissed. Hacker nudged him away with a stubby arm, feeling the invasion of personal space.

"Have you tried talking to her before?" she questioned.

Hunter WOULD have answered with an 'Of course I have!', but when he thought about it, all he could say was a quiet, "No". Hacker smiled.

"Talk to her now then. Ya never know unless you try."

"And what do I say exactly?" Hunter asked, starting to get a little pissed. He saw the scheming look upon her face and immediately wanted to take back his words.

"Try saying, 'Hi'." And with that, Hacker kicked Hunter into the room.

Hunter felt himself flying through the air and crash into something. After tumbling onto the floor and stopping with his face smashed into the ground, Hunter pulled himself up. And yelped in panic. He was pinning Witch to the carpeted floor, looking at her surprised face. Hunter would have taken the opportunity to admire her beautiful face if it weren't for the fact that he was on top of her like she were prey.

Hunter struggled for an apology, something, ANYTHING that could explain that this wasn't what it looked like. But all he could do was say the first coherent thing that rang in his mind.

"…Hi?" Hunter gulped when Witch's eyes flashed red.

_! Hunter startled the Witch!_

* * *

Hacker hid behind the wall and watched as small shreds of Hunter's hoodie flew out of the room of offices. Some blood splattered out, even a couple of his fingers and one of his feet. She would have laughed if it weren't all her fault.

_Oops, wrong call._

Hunter's shrieks and yells of pain stopped and his slashed up body was dragged out into the hallway by Witch, one of her glowing eyes twitching. She noticed Hacker and grunted to acknowledge her.

"Sup, Witch?" Hacker asked casually. The pale girl held up Hunter's limp body by the scruff of his hoodie.

"He with you?" Hacker looked at him. Should she or shouldn't…?

_Meh, the poor bastard's suffered enough for one night,_ she thought. "I guess."

"Hmm." Witch dropped him hard on the floor and stomped down the hallway, muttering under her breath. Hacker watched her until the Witch was out of sight, then looked down at the fallen Hunter. She crouched down on her right knee to get a closer look at him.

"…So, how'd it go?" she asked innocently. Hunter managed a weak growl and slowly raised his head, trying to manage the deadliest glare he could.

"…I… hate… you." Hunter let his head smack back onto the floor. Hacker tried to stop herself from smiling. Again, _tried_.

"Yeah, I know."

* * *

Ah, the random scenarios. How I love them. XD My new pairing obsession; HunterXWitch. Don't ask why, just be glad it isn't yaoi or yuri pairings that make no sense. Like EllisXNick or ZoeyXWitch. Then again, HunterXWitch makes about as much sense, so who am I to talk? I DO NOT MEAN ANY OFFENSE TO ANY SHIPPERS! I just do not agree with the pairings.

Later Days!


	5. The Bile Jar

**DISCLAIMER:** You should know better by now.

No stealing Hacker or she'll hack gum into your hair.

* * *

5. The Bile Jar

Inside an abandoned drug store (expect most things to be described as 'abandoned' in this fic XD), four Special Infected were rummaging around for things; Hunter, Smoker, Tank and Hacker. There wasn't any reason for them to be looking, they just looked for the hell of it.

Tank, being the strong infected that he was, mostly lifted desks and shelves to look under and smashed open a couple of locked doors.

Hacker stuck with Tank to help look, but also to stay safe from Hunter. He was still angry about the whole 'kick-into-psycho-crush-and-watch-continuous-slashes-of-death' thing.

Hunter himself was looking through all of the medicines on the shelves and sneakily hiding the painkillers, planning ahead for when any survivors came through here. He was also shredding up any bandages he found, too.

Smoker observed Hunter's tactics, wondering when he started to think ahead. But it didn't stay on his mind long, as he was looking for cigarettes. His new lighter had no purpose without them.

"Found something," Tank grunted, tossing one of the checkout desks over his shoulder. Hunter pounced out of the way at the desk smashed into the shelf of pills. Hacker hopped around to face Smoker and Hunter and lifted her left foot, showing them the jar stuck to it.

"It was on some guy's corpse. Whaddya think it is?" Hacker asked, looking at the green gunk inside swish about from her shaky balance. Hunter jumped over to take a look, hesitating before sniffing the jar. The last time he sniffed her sticky foot was when he got kicked in the face.

"…I can smell Survivor on it, but nothing else." Hunter was sure to pull his head away quickly. Smoker walked over and leaned down to look at it, frowning in thought.

"Looks like it's sealed tight," he pointed out, noticing the shape of the lid. He looked over at Hunter. "That could be why you can't smell anything."

Hunter pounced towards the jar and blurred past the others, knocking a surprised Smoker to the ground and startling Hacker enough to lose balance and fall into a pile of unidentifiable products. Smoker sat up and glared over at Hunter, who was trying to pry off the lid of the jar.

"The hell was that for?!"

"I can't… stand… not knowing… what this stuff is!" Hunter muttered between his grunts of effort. The other three could only sigh (or, to anime fans, do that little sweatdrop-on-the-side-of-head thing).

_Exposition time!_

_Some Hunters, namely this one, can become desperate to identify something. This leads to obsession over said unidentified object/creature until an answer is found. Unfortunately, this story got stuck with the Hunter who is the most curious and obsessive which will lead to annoying and hilarious antics. Annoying for them, (kinda) hilarious for us._

"OPEN, DAMN YOU!!!" Hunter screeched, tossing the jar towards the entrance of the pharmacy. A long tongue shot out and grabbed it just an inch above the ground, and the jar was pulled back over to Smoker. He caught it in one hand and turned to look at Tank.

"Tank, open it for Hunter," Smoker asked, holding it out. Tank mumbled something that none of them could understand, but it was likely something bad about them. Hacker looked up at him with a pout. Her eyes weren't visible but you could tell she was trying to be cute.

"Please, Tank?" she asked in a sweet voice. Tank looked from the jar to Hacker to the jar again. Somewhat reluctantly, he took the jar from Smoker and managed to twist the lid with one gentle twist, all the while continuing his grumpy mumbling. Hacker looked back over at Hunter. "Happy?"

"…He only got it open 'cause I loosened it."

"Suuure you did."

Choosing to ignore Hacker's taunt (mainly because he was only interested in the jar), Hunter crawled over and sniffed the jar again. He flinched and covered his nose. "Closeitcloseitcloseit!"

"What, what's wrong?" Smoker asked, finding his friend's face a little funny. Hunter, horrified, jumped a couple of metres back.

"Boomer! It smells like Boomer's puke!"

It took a long pause for the situation to sink in. They had found a jar of green stuff that smelled like Boomer's puke. There was a gradual chorus of growls and screams from outside. And they still hadn't closed the jar.

"CLOSEITCLOSEITCLOSEIT!!!" Smoker and Hacker yelled, dashing over to hide behind a desk.

It was too late, though, and they all knew it. There was already a crowd of crazed common infected dashing into the store. Hunter screeched and leaped behind the desk with Smoker and Hacker. Tank stood where he was, carefully closing the jar whilst trying not to break it. As far as the others knew, he was oblivious to the coming threat. Just when the horde was about to leap up and attacked the large infected, Tank hit them all back without even looking. The horde crashed into a pile of motionless bodies and the store went silent.

"…Ow," one of the commons moaned from the pile.

Smoker slowly stood to his feet and stared at the pile. He didn't even notice that Hunter was perched on top of his head. "Phew, that was close."

Hacker stood up and walked over to Tank, taking another look at the jar. "How do you think they got Boomer's vomit in there?" Tank just shrugged.

Smoker finally whipped Hunter off of his head with a tongue and glared at the jar. "I say we get rid of it before another horde comes." He walked over and took the jar from Tank's big hand. "The question is _how _we get rid of it."

Hacker looked over at Hunter. He was in his thinking pose, rubbing his chin. A smile began to form on his face.

"…Hunter… what are you thinking?"

* * *

"Don't shoot that car!"

"I'm not gonna! I won't shoot anything that doesn't look like a zombie, and a car doesn't look like a zombie!"

"Neither did that newspaper!"

"That was one time!"

"And what about when you shot Fred?!"

"…He was an ass anyway."

"Look, just don't do anything! The safe room is just over there and we don't need a horde to get in our way! We haven't got enough ammo and we're out of pills and med kits, thanks to your little assumption."

"I thought there would be something back there, it's a friggin' drug store!"

The four Special Infected were sat on the roof of one of the lower buildings, all watching the two bickering survivors. Hacker looked at the hoodied infected. "What are you waiting for? Throw it already!"

"Wait," Hunter whispered, targeting his prey down below. The two immune humans began to creep out of their hiding spot ready to make a dash for the red door. Hunter lifted the jar above his head, grinning. "Time to kick some ass!" With that, he threw the jar.

_SMASH!_

"Ew! Gross!"

"Ugh… why does this stuff smell familiar?"

"…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

_Hunter has earned the achievement "Septic Survivors"!_

While the two survivors were attacked, and supposedly killed, by a crazy horde of infected, Hunter and Smoker were laughing at the suffering of the humans. Tank only grunted, but it was an approving grunt, and Hacker pointed a stubby arm at the scene below.

"HA!"

* * *

I wondered how it would be if Boomer Bile was in the first game. Then I thought to put the characters in this fic in a situation about it. I thought that I'd try to give Hunter a break every now and then. The dialogue between the generic survivors is crap, but I like how the chapter turned out. Poor Fred. XD But I still feel like this is a half-assed attempt at a chapter, and for that, I apologise. *Kicks Writer's Block*

Later Days!

**Hacker:** Ha!


	6. Ninjas Kick Ass

**DISCLAIMER**: If you don't know any better by now, I feel sorry for you.

Hacker-is-mine-no-jutsu!

* * *

6. Ninjas Kick Ass

Boomer hid behind the wall of an alley, listening out for when the guns would stop shooting. He was waiting for the perfect opportunity to jump out and barf. It was all planned in his head. He would sneak out of his hiding place when the survivors weren't looking, get up real close and let it rip.

"…That all of them?"

"Rrrraaaargh!"

_BANG!_

"Yep."

_Showtime._

When the group of survivors passed the alley, Boomer readied his gag reflex. Unfortunately, just when he was about to unleash his bile onto the unsuspecting humans, his stomach made a deep gurgling sound. Boomer froze.

"What was that?!"

"BOOMER!"

_RAT-A-TAT-TAT!_

Boomer was blown up by one of their AK-47s.

* * *

Later that night, Hacker limped through the streets, looking for any commons to hang out with. Sure, they weren't too talkative, but they were better than nothing. She couldn't find anyone else to pester after all.

There was a squelch beneath her shoed foot. Hacker looked down at the green goop on her foot. Had Boomer been here?

"Hey, you, dead guy," she said, nudging one of the shot commons on the ground with her foot. He looked up was an exhausted look. "Seen a Boomer 'round here?"

"Over there," he groaned, pointing towards an alleyway.

"Thanks dude." Hacker limped over to the alley, trying to scrap off the bile along the ground as she went. She looked in and sighed. "…Boomer?"

The top half of Boomer was upside down in the ground, while his bottom half sat a couple of feet away, tapping its foot impatiently. Back to his top half, which looked very miserable. "I got owned."

* * *

After ages of rolling both of Boomer's halves to one of the stationary stores (Hacker has no hands so she could only push him there with her feet), the two of them found another friend to help out with the problem.

"Y'know, one of these days your top half's just gonna get blown to pieces and we won't be able to fix you," Smoker called from the storage closet.

Boomer gulped and stared off into nowhere with a deer-in-the-headlights face. "D-don't even joke about that."

"Don't worry, Boom," Hacker spoke up, patting his top half on the shoulder with her stub of an arm. "It's not like they've got a downloadable patch for that anyway."

_(WARNING! WARNING! 4__TH__ WALL BREAKING! 4__TH__ WALL BREAKING! And there's no patch, it happens anyway)_

Boomer mumbled and took a bite out of the chocolate bar in his hand. Smoker had given him one as comfort food. The round one held the chocolate out to his lower half, sitting on the countertop next to him. "Want a bite?" Then he remembered that he was the half with the mouth. "Oh, sorry." The lower half kicked a leg in the air angrily. "I said I was sorry!"

"Okay, we have duct tape, normal tape and sticks of gum," Smoker said as he walked into the room, tossing said objects on the counter.

Boomer looked at the supplies in dismay. "No med kits?"

"Nope. Considering we're in an open safe room," Smoker replied, pointing at the barricading door with his hand and at the open red door with his tongues. "Survivors come and go, and rarely ever leave anything. 'cept for guns."

"But a gun's not gonna fix anything," Boomer sighed. He looked back at the objects. "So which should we use?"

"I vote the duct tape. What do you think Hacker?"

"…"

"…Hacker?" Both of them looked at the shorter one staring at the gum on the counter. Hacker just kept looking at it.

"…I want the gum."

"…If you want it, why don't you take it already?"

"Well…" Hacker looked back up at Smoker. She stared for a long moment of silence before raising her stubs up in front of her, her empty sleeves swishing. "…see my problem?"

"Oh, right."

After that awkward moment, Smoker took a stick of gum from the packet and held it out for her to take. Hacker took the stick with her mouth and started chewing on it, appearing to be satisfied.

From there, Smoker had to put Boomer back together. He tried to lift the top half to sit on top of the bottom, but Boomer was a little heavy. After asking for help and once again being reminded of Hacker's lack of hands in another awkward moment, Smoker proceeded to do the work by himself. By the time he was wrapping the duct tape around Boomer's waist, the long-tongued one couldn't help but wonder-

"Where the hell is Hunter? He could try fixing Boomer for once instead of me."

Hacker chewed a couple more times, swallowed her gum and answered. "He said something about going out to 'slash the guts out of some surviving bastards with a couple of friends'. I think that means he went to slash the guts out of some surviving bastards with a couple of friends that aren't any of us."

"Gee, thanks for the translation." Hacker's throat puffed up like a frog's. She wasn't amused by Smoker's sarcasm. "…Gum?"

"Okay." She caught the stick of gum Smoker tossed for her, instantly changing her mood to a happy one.

"I wish I was like Hunter." The other two looked at the miserable Boomer after his comment. Their stares felt uncomfortable so he tried to explain himself. "Hunter can sneak about without anyone noticing him, and then he attacks at the last moment."

"But then he gets the crap shot out of him," Smoker pointed out, finishing off with the duct tape. "He can't take on a group of survivors by himself, he's better with the stragglers."

"Besides dude, you're cool as a Boomer," Hacker piped up, swallowing her gum again. "You can puke on a whole bunch of immunes at once! Sure, Tank can pummel 'em by himself, but aside from him, you can take 'em all on!"

Smoker raised an eyebrow and looked at Hacker. "So can you, Sticky Girl."

"You don't do too many pep talks, do you?" Smoker frowned at her. "'sides, I'm new, I don't count."

"I was I could sneak up on them," Boomer sighed. "Just like a ninja or something."

The other two remained quiet. They didn't know what to do. Hacker took a look around the room and spotted a bunch of black cloth amongst a pile of wreckage, along with some thread, scissors and a measuring tape. Ignoring the fact that this was all too convenient, Hacker's plan began to form in her head faster than Smoker could light a cigarette.

"So ya wanna be a ninja, huh?" She looked up at Smoker and gestured towards the pile. "How good are you with a needle and thread?"

"Why do I have to do all the work, why can't you-"

"No hands."

"…"

"…"

"…You want more gum, right?"

"Yep."

* * *

Hunter hid in the branches of a tree, looking at the group of humans beneath him. He grinned and turned to the Hunter Infected next to him. "Okay Vamp, ready to kick ass?"

VampHunter, the one with a New Moon hoodie with a picture of a werewolf on it, just grunted grumpily. "I still say we should've gone to Forks."

"For the last time, Vamp, it's just a book!" the female Hunter growled in annoyance, wearing a purple hoodie herself. VampHunter growled himself.

"I don't care what any of you says, the Cullens will die by my hands!"

"Huntress is right, Vamp," the skinny, shivering one of the bunch piped up, wearing a dull yellow hoodie and a pair of broken glasses. "T-t-t-t-t-Twilight's just a book."

"Don't even joke, Huntee!" VampHunter snapped, grabbing the smaller one by the scruff of his neck. "The werewolves will have their day and Bella will end up with Jacob! I just know it!"

"Can it!" Hunter hissed, pointing at the unsuspecting humans down below. "If we don't work together, then these guys are gonna get away!"

VampHunter and Huntee silenced themselves. Huntress looked down at the humans and grinned. "I wanna kill the mullet guy. He looks like an ex-boyfriend of mine."

"So why would you wanna kill him?"

"To pretend I'm ripping him apart, piece. By. Piece." Huntress seemed to giggle in a crazy manner. Perhaps some repressed anger issues or something?

"Focus, Huntress," Hunter warned. "I know what it's like to wanna rip something apart like there's no tomorrow, such as annoying little shorties that don't know when to quit, but -"

"BELLA AND JACOB 4EVER!" Hunter looked around to see that VampHunter had kicked Huntee out of the tree. The timid one landed on the ground in front of the survivors, panicked, and tried to jump over them. One shot at his shin and Huntee spent the rest of his fall yelping in pain.

"Are you CRAZY?!" Huntress shrieked, pouncing on VampHunter to try and strangle him. "My brother isn't ammo!"

"Guys, stop it!" Hunter was too late. The other two were already fighting. They fell out of the tree, knocking Hunter off his branch as well, and they all landed in a pile at the base of the tree.

The survivors turned around and aimed their guns at the three. Hunter gulped and glared at the other two.

"I can't take you guys anywhere anymore, can I?"

"I'll shoot the purple one," the mullet guy said.

"How come?"

"She looks like an ex-girlfriend."

"Then why would you wanna - "

It was at this point that Hunter noticed a familiar shape next to the survivors. A round, tubby figure dressed all in black, posing like the Karate Kid on one leg. Another survivor noticed and suddenly panicked.

"BOOMER!"

"WAIT, DON'T - "

_BANG!_

_BOOM!_

An explosion of bile covered all of the survivors, along with a few pieces of duct tape. Seconds later a horde of infected charged at them from multiple directions, and then the gunfire commenced. Boomer's top half was flying off into the distance, yelling, "I did it! I'm a ninjaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

Hunter and his buddies sat on the ground in awe. It took a while until Hunter finally found his voice to say, "What the HELL?! Where'd he learn to friggin'… APPEAR like that?!"

"_Brr… BLEH!"_

A ball of blue-ish goop landed on them from above, sticking them in place. It smelled strongly of peppermint. Hunter looked up and gaped in shock. "WHAT THE - ?!"

Hacker was standing upside down from one of the branches of the tree, her feet stuck to the bark with a similar blue gunk. "Ninja Hacker sees all, bitch."

* * *

Yay for OCs that will only make brief and possibly minor appearances! And I'm sorry, but I've always wanted to use that last line for Hacker. XD Also, don't try to swallow gum EVER. Seriously. Hacker's a zombie, she can get away with it.

Later Days!

**Smoker**: I have to fix Boomer AGAIN?!


	7. Date Talk

**DISCLAIMER**: If you don't know any better by now, I feel sorry for you.

**Hacker**: Witchey owns me, not you, so back off.

7. Date Talk

Smoker, Boomer and Hacker were all sitting on some scaffolding, all the way on the top of Mercy Hospital. They all looked pretty bored, especially Hacker. Even hanging upside down from the scaffolding did nothing for her.

_THUDTHUDTHUD!_

"RAAAARGH!!!"

_THWACK!_

The three looked towards the open area in time to catch the last moments of a survivor falling to his inevitable and painfully long death.

"AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh…" As his voice faded, the sound of a quiet but amused grunt came from the roof above.

"…Well at least Tank's happy," Smoker sighed, lighting a cigarette with his tongue. Boomer gurgled and stuffed a couple more potato chips in his mouth.

"…Have either of you ever dated?" Smoker looked at his round friend with a strange look.

"…What the hell made you ask that?"

Boomer shrugged. "Just wondered. Thought it might be nice to talk 'bout what we did before… well…" He pointed down towards one of the support beams nearby. Smoker glanced, seeing a common running around like crazy before running off the edge of the building. "…that."

"Meh, I had a couple of girlfriends. One of them dumped me when I started smoking."

"What about the other one? Did she dump you for smoking as well?"

"No, we both smoked. She died of lung cancer though."

"Oh…"

Smoker didn't really care but he could tell that the situation was now awkward. He changed the subject for Boomer's sake. "What about you? Ever dated?"

"Nah. Girls didn't really like me 'cause I kept breaking out in zits. I still don't know how that happened," he explained, crunching on some more chips.

Smoker expected Hacker to make some kind of comment, but she didn't. He looked in her direction. "What about you, Hackster? Did you ever… where'd she go?" Hacker's spot was empty, save for a gum wrapper.

"…"

"…"

"…Oh my God!!!" Boomer dropped the chips and hopped down from the scaffolding, almost bursting open from the impact. He ran over to the edge of the opening and looked down at the abyss below. "What if she fell off?!"

"Boom, Hacker's smarter than that, and she's got a sticky foot. I don't think she'd fall off the - "

"HACKER! CAN. YOU. HEAR. ME?" Boomer called down. He strained his ears to listen, only to hear the survivor still screaming.

"…Maybe she's just gone to look for Hunter."

"Yeah. Maybe."

* * *

The Witch was crying in one of the operating rooms of the hospital, sitting in the corner with her head in her hands. She didn't know that Hunter was watching her from the other side of a window. He was carefully balancing on the sinks, using a severed hand to wipe a couple of tears from his face.

"She looks so beautiful in this lighting," he whispered to himself, quickly rinsing the hand off and tossing it over his shoulder.

"…Just when I thought you couldn't get any sadder." Hunter yelped in surprise and fell off the sink, creating a crashing noise as he fell into a tray of operating tools. Witch looked up from her hands, surprised and confused, but shook it off quickly and went back to her tears.

Hunter looked up from the floor, a knife jammed into his forehead. He pulled it out, wincing in pain, and looked up to see Hacker. She was wearing some bloodstained scrubs and a mask. "…What, you play dress-up now?"

"Nope, just felt like being random." Hacker shook the mask off her mouth. "Still keeping your freaky obsession, Stalker?"

"Shut up."

"Ha." Hacker went quiet for a while. Hunter kept staring at her, waiting for her to say something else.

"…Well?"

"Well what?"

"What're you doing here?"

"…"

"…"

"…" Hacker stayed quiet for a very long time, until randomly asking, "Have you ever been on a date?"

"…What?"

"Boomer and Smoker were talking about dating when they were humans. Have you ever dated?" she asked again. Hunter rubbed the back of his head, trying to think of something to say. This was just… random.

"…I… guess I've been on a date before?"

"You 'guess'?"

"Hey, my memory's foggy. I'm infected, remember?"

"…"

"Why are you asking me, anyway?" Hunter watched as the short one seemed to fidget nervously.

"Oh, no reason."

"…"

"…Hunter?" She looked up from her feet. If she weren't pale and dead, she might have been blushing. "What's it like? …Y'know, going on a date?"

"…" The Hunter grinned mischievously. "…You've never been on a date."

"W-w-what?!" For the first time since she had appeared, Hacker looked genuinely, none-life-threatening-situation-wise flustered. She waved her stubby arms frantically. "O-o-of course I have! I just wanted to… to check if you've been on a proper date! Test to see if losers can get dates!"

"As if!" Hunter was laughing and gripping his sides. "You should see your face right now!"

"Shut up!"

He kept laughing.

"Hey!"

Still laughing.

"Hunter! You're pissing Witch off!"

"That… won't… work!" he gasped between laughs.

There was a knocking noise on the window at that moment. Hunter stopped and looked up. His face had most likely gone a shade paler. Witch was on the other side of the window, looking seriously pissed as her red eyes glared at Hunter. "You have five seconds to leave before I go crazy on your hooded ass." Hunter was out of the room in one second.

Hacker watched him leave and sighed with relief.

"Thanks Witch."

"Hm."

Hopeful, Hacker turned to face Witch, who now had a passive look on her face. Maybe she could help? After all, she was a girl too, and she might understand the awkwardness. "Hey Witch, have you ever dated?"

Witch's eyes went wide. Then they started filling up with tears and her bottom lip quivered. She dashed over to her corner again and started sobbing again. Hacker slowly backed out of the room to follow Hunter.

"…Maybe I should talk to that psycho Huntress," she muttered to herself.

* * *

"…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

Boomer and Smoker were still at the top of Mercy Hospital, listening to the scream continue.

"…How tall _is_ this building?"

"I dunno."

* * *

Random fleshing out for Hacker and a small moment for Hunter to laugh instead of being laughed at. I would've added Hacker talking to Huntress about dates, but…

**Huntress**: DIE! DIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

**Mullet** **Guy**: AAAAAAAHHH! MY SPLEEN! OH DEAR GOD THE PAIN!

…I thought it best to leave her alone while she's slashing at the poor guy.

Also, never talk to a Witch about dates. You'll only encourage her emoness.

Later Days!

**Survivor**: …aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

Seriously, how tall is that building?


	8. Asthma, Cr0wns and Dates

**DISCLAIMER**: …Do I really have to? Do I?

I love it when my Hacker is liked. I hate it when my Hacker is stolen.

* * *

8. Asthma, Cr0wns and Dates

Hunter peered around the corner into the dark, scary alleyway. There was the Witch, crying (as usual) in the eerie red light that mysteriously came from nowhere in particular. Hunter pulled himself back around the corner to compose himself.

"Alright, Hunter, you can do this," he muttered, looking at his reflection in the pool of survivor blood at his feet. He crouched down to take a closer look. "…Damn, there's flesh in my teeth." He stuck a claw in his mouth and picked the pink-ish piece out. "Better."

"You'd only look better if your face was smashed up by a frying pan."

Hunter tensed and looked at the other reflection in the blood puddle. Who else could it be? At least she was whispering this time. "Go. Away. You bitch."

"Relax, I'm only here for observational purposes," she said calmly, hopping up onto a trash can for a place to sit. She groaned when she found that her feet weren't touching the floor. "This is a small trash can, right?"

"What do you mean by 'observational purposes'?"

Hacker looked up, her attention taken away from her feet. "Witch is my friend, dude. If you're gonna finally get the guts to 'put the moves' on her, I wanna witness it so I can kick your ass for being a jerk later."

"What makes you think I'll be a jerk?" Hunter growled, his empty eyelid twitching. Hacker put on her 'matter-of-fact' face, which I only just made up.

"I think that stalking, obsessing over and pouncing on Witch would count as being a jerk. Or, to be accurate, a ra-"

"I'M NOT GONNA POUNCE ON HER YOU SICK LITTLE CRAP-SPITTING MONKEY!" Hunter snapped.

"! Grrrr…"

Hunter slapped his clawed hands over his mouth when he realized what he'd just yelled. If he didn't do something, he'd be infected sushi. "Uh, that's right! I'm not gonna pounce on that survivor! I'm just gonna… jump on her back and rip at her throat instead!" he laughed nervously as Witch's growling seemed to reduce. "Screw predictability!"

"…*sob*"

He sighed with relief when he found that worked. Thank goodness for the distant gun-shooting in the background.

"…Nice."

"Shut up."

"So what do you plan to do then?" Hacker asked, clearly amused with the hoodie's error. Hunter turned his back on her.

"I'm gonna _talk_ to her, what do you think?"

"_Talk_? What kind of idiot gave you that idea?"

"You did, remember?"

"…Crap, I'm an idiot."

"What?! But you said it could work!"

"I did, but I didn't say it would work for YOU."

"…I am THIS close to ripping your head off."

"I'll scream for Tank."

"He isn't a friggin' bodyguard!"

"He'll kick your ass either way."

Hunter growled to himself and made his way into the alley. "Screw this. I'm going in."

"Good luck," Hacker called after him insincerely.

Taking a deep breath, Hunter walked up to the Witch, resisting the urge to get down on all fours and cower. Witch was beautiful, yes, but still deadly. When he was standing next to her, he lifted his hand to wave.

"…Hi?"

Witch looked up with those glowing red eyes of hers. She looked more caught off guard than she did angry. Hunter tried to say something else, but nothing came out. He kept urging any words to come out, but nothing. Witch frowned, starting to get pissed, and Hunter felt what was left of his hair stand on end.

"…BYE!" he screeched, panicking. He got down on all fours and leaped out of the alley before anything else could happen. Witch stared after him. Then she went back to crying.

* * *

Hacker walked into an ABAAAAAAANDONED grocery store with a pissed look on her face. She took a glance around the store.

"Hunter!" she called. Hacker heard the sound of paper being crinkled up, and followed it to behind one of the check out tills. Hunter was crouched underneath the desk, breathing in and out into a paper bag. "Dude, what the hell?"

"I-I used to be asthmatic, okay?!" Hunter screeched, taking a break from his panic attack. "There weren't any inhalers left, I swear!"

"Not that, you idiot!" Hacker kicked him in the shin and made him yelp into his bag. "Two words. All you did was say two words and then you hightailed it outta there! What gives?!"

"…Can't… do it," Hunter gasped out between deep breaths. "Freaked… out…"

"…AHA!" Hacker exclaimed, so loudly that it made Hunter jump a foot off the ground (paper bag still clutched in his hands). "You haven't been on a date either! IknewitIknewitIKNEWIT!"

"Shut… up… shortie…"

"Wait, we have no time for this." Hacker leaned down and grabbed the paper bag from Hunter with her mouth, spat it into a corner and leaned down again to glare at Hunter through her fringe. "You're gonna suck it up, walk out of here and ask Witch on that frickin' date!"

"I-i-i-i-i-I can't do that! I'll die! Literally and metaphorically!" Hunter whimpered, crawling back under the desk. He felt something squelch on his shin and felt himself being pulled out by Hacker's sticky foot.

"Are you a man or aren't you?" she growled, flapping her stubs around angrily. Hunter felt like he was shrinking. Since when was Hacker this scary? "SPEAK UP SOLDIER!" Hunter tensed and stood up straight, saluting for some reason. "Are you a man or not?! RESPOND!"

"Sir, yes sir!" Hacker growled. "…Ma'am!"

"Well then be a man, go out there and ask Witch on that date, Mister!"

"But-"

"NOW, DAMNIT!!!"

Hunter pounced out through the window of the store, getting who knows how many injuries from the glass (ouch), and started to head back to where he had seen Witch. Hacker sighed and followed him.

"He's screwed. Why do I bother?"

* * *

"Hi… again."

Witch looked up with a frown, clearly not liking these interruptions. Hunter stood there with an awkwardly sheepish grin, mentally praying that he would leave with minimal damage.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about earlier. No hard feelings?"

"…Hm." Witch turned her head away and folded her arms. "Make this quick."

"…I was…" Hunter gulped and turned away quickly.

_C'mon, man, get a grip! You can do this!_

Hunter turned back around. "!"

"…What?" Witch looked at him with yet another frowned. Hunter took a deep breath and started again.

"Would you like to go on a date or something?"

"…"

"…"

Hunter held his breath during the long, painfully quiet pause, waiting for her answer.

"…No." Witch finally said. "You've pounced on me, you've followed me, you've effectively brought out the worst of me, and yet you think I'll go on a date with you?"

"…I… Hunter slowly slumped down onto all fours and started to skulk away. "I'll just… y'know… leave…"

"Hm." Witch turned her back on him as he left the alley. She glared at her reflection in a puddle nearby.

_I don't care if I was mean. I had to tell him to back off._ Witch kept looking at the water. Her stare softened, her shoulders loosened and she slowly started to see just how mean she had been. _…Okay, I was a little too hard on him. Maybe I should say something before –_

Witch was turning around to stop Hunter before he left. The first thing she saw was the end of a shotgun, aimed directly at her forehead. The survivor holding the gun was ready to pull the trigger.

"Forget the cr0wn, Steve, let's just go!"

"Here's something to cry over, bitch."

"RRRRAAAAAAAARGH!" Witch watched, wide eyed, as Hunter grabbed Steve from behind and slashed at his throat. The Survivor gurgled his last words as he fell to the ground. Hunter stood there and he and Witch both stared at each other in shock. "…Holy crap, that actually worked."

"STEVE! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"…He was an ass, anyway."

"Fred was a bigger ass than him!"

Hunter whipped around and growled at the other two survivors. "You wanna get to her? You'll have to kill me first!"

"Switch to your gun!"

"But I wanna heal-"

"SWITCH TO THE GODDAMN GUN!!!"

"Be right back," Hunter said to Witch from over his shoulder. He crouched down and pounced towards the survivors. "BRING IT ON, BITCHES!"

* * *

A few minutes later, Hunter was face down on the ground, bleeding from places he didn't even knew existed. "…They brought it… they brought it good…"

"Are you okay?" Slowly, he lifted his face to meet the eyes of Witch's very concerned face. He would've been a nervous wreck, but unfortunately he was too dazed and in too much pain to think normal.

"…How many goddamn bullets did those guns have?" he groaned, smacking his face on the ground again. "They must've cheated."

Witch giggled and rolled him onto his side. She crawled around his body and lifted Hunter's hooded head to rest on her lap. "I think one of them was carrying a bunch of ammo."

"Cheating bastard."

"…Thank you."

Hunter looked out from under his hoodie. He could've sworn that Witch looked like she was blushing. "Huh?"

"…Thanks… for saving me… Y'know…" Hunter still looked clueless. Witch sighed and felt the urge to slash at him, but she knew that it wasn't his fault. "The cr0wning guy?"

"…Oh… you're welcome," he said, grinning when he remembered. Witch looked away from a moment and considered her options again.

_I guess I should give him a chance. He got his ass kicked for me after all._

"…Do you wanna go on a date?" Hunter's head felt limp, like he were dozing off. She would have to make this quick before he fell asleep. "Do you wanna go on a date tomorrow night near Mercy Hospital?"

"…Sounds… nice… zzzz…" Hunter started to snore and drool a little. Witch would have been disgusted if he didn't look adorable. Curse her weakness for cute boys.

"…What the… hell?" She looked up to see that one of the survivors she had slashed up was regaining consciousness. With a screech, she slashed at his throat, sending him back to his state as a limp piece of flesh. Witch pulled the sleeping Hunter up and hugged him around the neck, glaring at the corpse.

"My Hunter. Mine," she growled protectively.

_Witch has earned the achievement, 'Surviv0wned'!_

* * *

The things Hunter will do for love. And the things Hacker plans to do to Hunter during the date. XD And OMG!!! Hacker's actually being helpful! 0.0

This chapter probably sucks, because it doesn't have as much hilarity. Expect some next chapter. XD

Later Days!

**Witch:** Grrrr…


	9. The DateWrecking Game, Round 1

**DISCLAIMER**: …No.

Hacker not yours. No touchy.

* * *

9. The Date-Wrecking Game, Round 1

Smoker was standing outside the abandoned *dun, dun, duuuuuun* theatre, looking up at the night sky with a gloomy look. There were clouds, as usual, and there was thunder, as usual. Could this get any more clichéd on the creepy metre? Trying not to think about it, Smoker pulled out a cigarette from his pocket with his tongue. He stuck the cigarette in his mouth and lifted the lighter up to it.

_Click! …Click, click, click!_

"Light it already," Smoker muttered half-heartedly to the lighter after a few tries. It finally sparked in flame and he put it to the cigarette.

And then the rain came pouring down, putting both the lighter and cigarette out with a fizz. Not amused, mainly because it was his last cig, the long-tongued zombie reluctantly stepped into the theatre.

The good news was that Smoker hid a stash of cigs and lighters in one of the dressing rooms, meaning he could smoke as much as he wanted in there. The bad news was that a bunch of commons hung around in here, going up on stage and 'singing' and 'dancing' and all sorts of performing garbage. Seriously, it was garbage because they sounded like they were dying… again.

He opened the first dressing room backstage with his tongue and stepped inside. He paused. Hunter was sitting at the dressing table (or to be technical, he was sitting on it), and from what it looked like, he was primping himself up for something. After all, he was actually flossing his teeth for once. Hunter looked in Smoker's direction and froze. Quickly, he shoved whatever was on the table next to him and grinned at Smoker.

"H-he-hey, Smoker! W-what's up, what're ya doin' here?"

"Looking for something to smoke. You?" Smoker walked over to the dressing table and reached out a hand to open the draw Hunter was trying to hide. The hooded one grabbed his friend's wrist in panic, but didn't account for his tongue to reach behind and open the draw. Hunter screeched, grabbed whatever he had stuffed in there before and jumped away, hiding said object behind his back.

"Nothing! Just, y'know, hanging around and stuff." He looked over to the clock on the wall. "Oh gee, would you look at the time, I've gotta do, places to go, people to kill, stuff like that BYE!" Before Smoker could get a word out Hunter pounced out through the doorway. He accidently dropped what he was holding, picked it back up and fled, but he wasn't fast enough to prevent Smoker from seeing the box with a ribbon.

"…What's up with him?" Smoker muttered to himself, taking a cigarette from his stash and lighting it.

"He's got a date." He turned around and actually started coughing from his own smoke in surprise, as Hacker had just popped up from nowhere.

"Geez, *cough* would you stop *cough* appearing like that? *cough, cough*"

"Hey, I can respawn anywhere I want, it's a free apocalypse." Hacker walked over to the dressing table, turned around and hopped up to sit on it, her feet just a couple of inches from the ground. "…Hey, Smokey, how tall do you think this thing is?"

"Wait *cough*, go back to what you said before," he answered, recovering from his coughing attack. He took another breath from his cigarette and glared at Hacker through his good eye. "And don't call me Smokey."

"Fine," Hacker huffed, kicking her legs back and forth. "Anyway, Hunter's got a date tonight. Why anyone would wanna date him, I don't know, I mean he has that hoodie and the whole 'pouncing on prey' thing's been earning him a bad rep 'cause people say he's really just - "

"And what're you doing here?" Smoker interrupted. He knew Hacker fairly well by now, so why wasn't she going off to try and ruin Hunter's date?

"Could you help me with a couple of things to sabotage the date? I would do it by myself, but I'm lacking a key tool here." She held up her stubby arms. "Most people need hands, y'know, and gum just won't cut it anymore."

"Hacker, ruining Hunter's date is wrong and you know it," Smoker pointed out. Hacker grinned.

"I know, but I'm doing it anyway. C'mon, don't you wanna see the look on his face when his date goes up in flames?"

"I'm in."

* * *

"*sob, sob*"

"...Guys, Witch!"

"Shhh! Do you wanna startle her?"

"No… but I really need that cr0wn achievement."

"Fine, but make it quick. Aim careful."

…_BANG!_

"Grrr… rrraaaaargh!"

"Sh**, I missed!"

"Shoot her, shoot - !"

_! Random Survivor startled the Witch!_

Hunter jumped from one building to the next, heading towards the screams and the yells of agony. He couldn't help but grin in amusement. Losers, they always shot from a distance. He reached the place where he and Witch agreed to meet and pounced down into the alley, landing on top of a severed leg. Hunter picked it up and tossed it into a garbage can, snickering a little.

"So, how was your day?" he asked, looking over at Witch. She had just finished stabbing the other survivor with her claws when she looked over at him.

"The usual, cried a little, kicked ass, cried a little. You?" She walked over to him, sniffling as she started to calm down.

"Oh, n-nothing much." Hunter was shaking, suddenly nervous as hell. In a panic, he just held out the present he was holding for her. "!" he said all at once.

Witch cautiously took it in her claws, slightly curious and slightly freaked out. She quickly cut the ribbon and opened the box, and then her eyes widened. Inside was a small, silver chain that could fit around her wrist, and there was a small charm with the letter 'W' glittering in the small amount of light.

"I thought… I thought y-you might like it… I just saw the chain on a corpse and found the charm thing lying around and, well… h-hey, are you okay?" Hunter asked when Witch's eyes were starting to water up. She grabbed onto Hunter's shirt and started sobbing into his shoulder, leaving her hooded date stunned.

"That's *sob* the nicest thing *sob* anyone has ever done for meeee!" she wailed, soaking Hunter's shirt with her tears. Hunter looked around quickly, resorting to just patting Witch on the shoulder awkwardly.

"Uh… there, there… it's all gonna be okay," he said, trying to reassure her when she started to wail even louder.

* * *

"You have got to be kidding me." Smoker and Hacker watched the scene from the roof of an office building, up to the point where Witch was drenching Hunter's hoodie with her tears. Smoker looked at his sticky friend with a look of disbelief. "He's on a date with the Witch?"

"Yep."

"And he didn't get shredded to pieces when he asked her out?"

"Nah, but those survivors managed to AK-47 the crap outta him."

"…What survivors?"

"It's a long story filled with a bunch of lovey dovey 'sacrifice myself for the one I heart' crap. Now, are you still gonna help me out here or what?"

Smoker glared at her through the smoke from his cigarette. "You do realise Witch will kill us, right?"

"The point is to make Hunter look bad and ruin his date. Witch never has to know anything other than Hunter's bad luck. I repeat, are you still in this thing?" Hacker asked, looking up at him questioningly. Smoker sighed and picked up the garbage bag filled with various items for their plan.

"Let's do this."

* * *

**Round 1: Beeping Explosives**

"*Sniff* S-sorry, Hunter," Witch said as they were rounding a corner, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Hunter (while still wearing it) was wringing out the right side of his hoodie as he walked next to her.

"It's no problem, really. Besides, I learned that duct tape is sorta water resistant," Hunter joked, hoping to make her smile a little. He saw her lip twitch a little, but he couldn't tell if she was holding back a smile or another sob. "So… whaddya wanna do?"

"I *sniff* don't know."

And then came the awkward silence. Hunter was about to suggest something when a strange noise pierced the silence. It was a beeping noise, getting closer, louder and faster. Both of the infected turned in the direction of the noise just as something white and cylinder-like landed at their feet. And it was being followed closely by a crowd of enraged commons.

"RUN FOR IT!" Hunter screeched, grabbing Witch, swinging her onto his back and pouncing up into the air. He grabbed the side of the building just as the pipe bomb exploded, sending blood and body parts flying everywhere.

"OHOMYGODTHATWASAWESOME!" one bodyless head screamed as it flew past the two. "Let's do it agaaaaaaiiiiiii…"

"…"

"…"

"…What the hell was that?" Witch asked, managing a sniffle through her surprise. Hunter opened his mouth to answer when another beeping noise sounded. A pipe bomb landed on the window sill next to them, and then one landed on the window above. "…If you don't move now, I'll kill you myself."

Hearing the anger in her voice, Hunter began to pounce from building to building, trying to avoid the shower of pipe bombs and the odd horde. "Where are these things coming from?"

* * *

Hacker watched the chaos as Smoker kept throwing the pipe bombs towards the dating infected, a smile on his face. "Perfect. All we have to do is keep this up until Witch gets pissed enough to take it out on Hunter. Then our work here is done."

"What's this 'we' stuff you're talking about? I'm the one throwing these things," Smoker pointed out, a pipe bomb in his hand. Hacker turned around and started to puff up.

"I'm the one who thought of it!"

"Well I'm hoping you have a back-up plan."

"Of course. Why?"

"Don't you wonder how these things work?" Smoker held up a deactivated pipe bomb and shook it a little. It started beeping and he threw it away in panic.

"All I know is that you throw 'em and they start up. Or you do what you just did there," Hacker said, turning to look at the pair of fleeing infected.

"THERE'S ANOTHER ONE! DODGE IT, DODGE IT!"

"I'M TRYING, WOMAN!"

"You think we should take it easy on him?" Smoker asked, readying the next pipe bomb. Hacker turned around to reply but a sudden voice made them jump.

"Hi guys!" Boomer, dressed in his ninja attire, popped up next to Smoker at a really bad time. The pipe bomb the latter had been holding fell from his grip and rolled along the floor until it stopped at Hacker's foot. "…Is that was I think it is?"

"Throw it, Hacker, throw it!" Smoker yelled. Hacker glared up at him.

"Hey, no hands, no throw," she growled. She looked down and felt herself pale more than she already was. The pipe bomb had landed at her left foot, now stuck to it. "…Oh, sh-"

* * *

_BOOM!_

Hunter stopped jumping around like crazy when the pipe bombs suddenly stopped. He looked over in the direction of the sound and saw nothing but grey smoke (with a hint of green?).

"…Okay, I think we're safe." When there was no reply, Hunter looked over his shoulder and noticed that Witch was shaking. "H-hey, you okay?"

"…Yeah… f-fine… c-could we j-just get down now?" Witch, burying her face in Hunter's back, poked a finger at the street several feet below. When he couldn't get a clue, Witch had to struggle not to burst into a fit of rage or burst into a fountain of tears. "…High… t-too high…"

"…Oh right! Sorry!" Hunter said, pouncing down to the ground and landing neatly on his feet.

* * *

"…Witch is *cough*… afraid of *cough*… heights?" Smoker managed to get out, hanging over the edge of the building with his tongue hanging all the way to the ground. Hacker was grinding her gummy teeth from her lying position on the roof.

"Apparently," she said through a muffled mouth of gum.

"…Why is Hunter giving the Witch a piggyback?" Boomer's top half asked, crawling towards his legs. "Are they friends now?"

Hacker growled again and, with some of her remaining strength, kicked him so he rolled off the roof with a yell.

"…*cough*. You're… fixing him this time *cough*… y'know, *cough*… hands or no hands."

"…Shut up."

* * *

"That was bullsh**! Total bullsh**! We got blown up and made Hunter look good!" Hacker growled, pacing (or, considering her foot of stickiness, was trying to) back and forth in front of Smoker and Boomer, one smoking, the other checking his duct tape was secure. "Stupid Hunter and his pouncing and his saving their asses! How would he like it if my brother pouced him?"

"Wow, I haven't seen you this uptight since… well, ever, really."

"Can it, Smokey!"

"I thought I told you not to call me Smokey?"

"Um, why am I here?" Boomer asked, munching on a bag of chips, completely unaware of how angry Hacker looked.

"Why else? You're the reason we got blown up!" Hacker shrieked, stomping her free foot. "You owe us, you blob!"

"That was just mean," Boomer mumbled, tearing up. Hacker ignored him and looked at the bulky bag of stuff she had to ruin Hunter's date.

"Time for phase two."

"…Don't you mean Plan B?"

"Whatever."

* * *

Stay tuned for round two!

Later Days!

**Smoker**: *cough*


	10. The DateWrecking Game, Round 2

**DISCLAIMER**: I will gladly give credit for the awesomesauce series that is Left 4 Dead 1&2 to Steam/Valve.

*Hold shotgun to your head* I will cr0wn you if you DARE think about stealing my Hacker.

* * *

10. The Date-Wrecking Game, Round 2

"How're you feeling? Better?"

"*sniff* Yeah. I just *sniff* don't like heights so much."

_Scratch stargazing at the top of Mercy off the list,_ Hunter thought, still trying to think of things they could do for their date. They were both sitting on the sidewalk, watching as some common infected looked for their missing body parts. They both tried to stifle giggles when a guy's head freaked because it was on a woman's body.

"…So… what now?"

"…How about *sniff* a movie or something?"

"Sure, whaddya wanna see?"

"I'm not *sniffle* really that picky."

"UUUUUUUURRRRGH!"

"What, is your brain catching up with the infection?" Smoker asked, taking a deep breath from his cig. He and Boomer were standing behind Hacker as she looked down at the 'couple' from the building's roof.

"No! I'm just so booooored!" Hacker moaned, turning away and throwing herself on a pile of garbage cans. She moaned again and looked up at her teammates. "All they're doing is babbling! That's it! A friggin' WALL would be more interesting than this stupid awkward fluffy crap!"

"Does this mean the sabotage plan is over?" Boomer asked hopefully, sparkling eyes and all. Hacker jumped up and growled at him. Boomer whimpered and looked a little scared of his friend. "I guess not."

* * *

Round 2: Uber Rat-a-tat-tat

"This is what we're using next." Hacker stood in front of Smoker and Boomer with a strange presence about her, like a general informing his troops about the plan of attack. She stuck her gummy foot into the bag of plot devices and pulled out a whole machine gun. She dumped it on the ground in front of her and looked up at her shocked teammates. "…What?"

"How the hell did you fit that f***ing thing it THAT?" Smoker wheezed, pointing from the gun to the bag. Boomer shuffled away from Hacker, his eyes wide with shock.

"Y-you didn't… st-steal that bag from Mary P-Poppins, did you?"

"Oh, grow up, Boomer, she isn't real!" Hacker snapped, now pulling out a stand to prop the massive gun on. Boomer's eyes started to well up with tears.

"Sh-she's not?"

"…Yes, Boomer, she's real. I'm sorry, that was a mean thing to say," Hacker said reluctantly when Smoker started glaring at her. Boomer sighed with relief as Hacker went on to explain their plan. "Alright, here's what we do. We mount this thing and start firing at them like hell. Which one of you knows how to work a machine gun?"

There was a painfully long pause after that. Hacker sighed and looked at the gun. "Well it can't be hard to figure it out. Which one of you wants to pull the trigger?"

"Can't."

"Why. Not?" Hacker demanded, turning her attention to Smoker.

"Pacifist."

"Bullsh**!"

"I don't wanna shoot them either," Boomer mumbled. Hacker growled at him and he whimpered in fear.

"Well we'll have to find someone who will, then, won't we?" She shook with impatience as she stomped over to the edge of the roof and scanned the area. She spotted a common infected sitting next to a car (with all of his body parts in tact) and looked at Smoker. "Get him up here."

"What happened to please?"

"Grrr…"

"Just because we're in an apocalypse doesn't mean that manners should go flying out the window," Smoker lectured, stretching out his tongue and grabbing the common by the throat. Then, in a voice hard to understand, he said, "Crap, I sound like your mother again." Before the poor common bastard knew what was going on, he was whipped up onto the roof. He landed at Hacker's feet with a loud thud and a groan of pain. He looked up to the creepy smile of said infected.

"'Sup, Dave?"

"Hacker? Since when were you in the city?"

"Since 10 chapters ago."

*Ba-dum-chu*

"You know this guy?" Smoker helped Dave the Common up to his feet, accidentally pulling off one of Dave's pinky fingers as he did. He awkwardly handed it back to Dave.

"Long story, no time," Hacker snapped, stepping between them and shoving Smoker aside. She looked up at Dave and started her explanation of why he was on the same roof as them. "Set up the machine gun and shoot like hell at those two down there." …Or not.

Dave folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Why can't you do it y-"

"NO. HANDS."

"…Sorry."

* * *

"So, we don't want to see a chick flick, a comedy, or a chick flick comedy," Hunter listed, counting off the movies ideas on his claws as Witch nodded in agreement. He pouted in thoughtfulness as he tried to come up with a genre for them to see.

"…How about action?"

"*Sniff* I guess s-"

A stream of bullets suddenly cut through the space between them. Both of the infected darted away from each other in shock. Then the bullet stream started to follow in Hunter's direction.

"What the hell?" he shrieked, leaping away from the bullets with Witch following close behind him.

"Hey! Wait up!"

* * *

"Excellent." If Hacker had hands whilst watching Hunter flee, she would be doing an impression of Mr Burns. Boomer watched with concern and Smoker just watched with sarcasm. (…That's possible, right?)

"Aren't you taking this a little bit far?" The latter asked. She looked at him with annoyance.

"No. This is just to freak him out… although I wouldn't mind if one of the bullets hit him," she admitted. Smoker rolled his eyes just as the high-pitched shriek reached the small group. Hacker looked over the edge eagerly, but her face fell and she looked almost sick. "…Crap."

"Who'd I hit?" Dave asked, releasing the trigger to look at the specials. They had already vacated the area. Dave looked around, wondering why the suddenly left, when a familiar string of screams started to get louder and louder.

"…Oh, fu - "

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Witch came up from behind and slashed Dave. He fell to the ground, his body twitching a little. The angered special quickly checked the roof for anyone else she could slash as Hunter landed next to her.

"…How'd you know he was up here?"

"*Sniff* Intuition," Witch replied, wiping some blood splatter off her face. She flinched and took a quick look at where the bullets had grazed her arm. "…Joy." Hunter noticed the grazes and quickly searched around for something. He found a bag of stuff and dived into it, emerging with a roll of duct tape and a couple of pieces of cloth.

"I got it covered."

Moments later Hunter had wrapped up the wound and stuck it in place with the duct tape (he used said duct tape to re-tape one of his sleeves). Witch looked at the makeshift bandage with watery eyes.

"That… th-that was *sniff* so… THOUGHTFUUUUUL!" she wailed, running up to Hunter and burying her face in his shoulder again, crying louder than before. Hunter just stood their with a face of panic, not really knowing what else to do but pat her head again. And his hoodie was getting soaked again.

* * *

Smoker, Boomer and Hacker walked down the street after just barely getting away from the roof and leaving Dave to die (again).

"I can't believe we lost my stuff," Hacker mumbled, pouting. She looked almost sweet and vulnerable until she was herself again. "We need another plan."

"What if we just let them have their date in peace?" Boomer piped up. Hacker's glare forced him to hide (unsuccessfully) behind Smoker. "I'll shut up now."

"I agree with Boomer," Smoker sighed, searching his pockets for his pack of cigs. "Unless you can come up with some other crazy plan to ruin Hunter's date, which I doubt because you have no ammunition, I think this is all a waste of time. …Actually it doesn't matter if you can come up with another plan or not, it's still a waste of time." All was quiet when Smoker finished his little rant. "…Um, Hacker?" He watched as her mouth twitched into a scheming grin.

"…I think it's time we brought in some reinforcements…"

* * *

If this chapter sucks, BLAME MY WRITER'S BLOCK. DX Oh, and a moment of silence for Dave the Common, if you please.

…Okay done.

Later Days!

Next Chapter: The all new game for the DS X20QOMGLO – Trauma Centre: Healing The Zombified, starring Dr Stylehunter, Nurse Witchson and the evil disease-ridden team of Hack Corp.!


	11. Reenacted Filler

I am sorry, but I am afraid I have a serious case…

…

…of Zombie Writer's Block. How is it worse that normal Writer's Block? BECAUSE IT JUST IS. And because of this, and my recent obsession with Disgaea, creativity for the final part of 'The Date-Wrecking Game' is dying fast. So first, while I have your attention, please answer this question if you review: Who would you rather appear in the third part as Hacker's 'reinforcements'?

1) Huntress, Huntee & VampHunter (I think it might be a good chance to flesh them out a little, since I'd like them to appear more often)

2) Tank (It would be nice to include him more often, right?)

3) Both (HELL YEAH!)

And for now, I give you a one-shot of conflict between Hacker and Hunter that I wrote a long time ago. I'm not sure if it's weak, crap, forced or all of the above. XD

**DISCLAIMER:** …Seriously.

* * *

Re-enacted Filler

"Hunter! Hunter!"

The hoodied infected gripped the side of a building and hung over the street below, perfectly hidden in the shadows as Hacker wandered around on the sidewalk. He had been trying to avoid her as much as possible while he concocted a plan to get his own back. Avoiding her was easiest when you were waaay above her.

"Hunter? Huuuuuuuunter!"

_What does she want with me now?_

Hunter squinted and looked carefully at her, seeing something he hadn't seen before. A stop sign, pole and all, was glued to her foot, making a loud metallic clanking whenever Hacker walked. Hunter slapped a hand over his mouth as he snickered.

"Aha!"

_Damn._

He must have covered his mouth a moment too late, because now Hacker knew he was near. She looked around for him, her throat expanding a little more than usual.

_She must be pissed._

"Alright, if you wanna play it that way…" Hacker took a calm breath and held her head up high. "…I'll just have to tell Smoker about your unhealthy cru-"

Hunter pounced down to the ground and slapped both of his hands over the short one's mouth. "Don't. You. Dare."

"Then help me get this friggin' sign off my foot!" Hacker snapped back when her mouth was free. She didn't look too pleased when Hunter rubbed the gummy residue on her sleeve.

"Why don't you ask someone else?" he asked. Hacker's throat started getting bigger.

"I did, I asked Tank, but he said to come to you about it," she explained, stomping her stop sign'd foot. "And I can't find anyone else."

"Hm…" Hunter crouched down to look at the sticky foot. "How'd it get stuck to your foot?"

"Don't ask. Please."

Hunter looked back up at Hacker with an amused grin. "Are you sure you don't wanna keep it? You look better with it on." Hacker made a croaking noise from the back of her throat and her neck puffed up like a frog's. "Alright, chill, I was just kidding!"

"Wasn't funny," Hacker mumbled, her neck decreasing in size. Hunter hopped passed her and picked up the pole of the sign. He managed to yank it off with one small tug.

"That was easy," he commented, dumping the sign on the ground next to him. He looked at Hacker with a confused look. "Why didn't you just pull it off yourself?"

Hacker just stared at him. After a while, she slowly lifted her arms to show the limpness of the sleeves just short of the elbow area. "No. Hands."

"…Sorry," Hunter mumbled. There was a long pause while Hunter waited for something. Hacker just stared back at him.

"…What?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"…Liiike…?"

"I don't know. A certain phrase to express gratitude. Ring a bell?"

"…Nope."

"Where's my 'thank you'?" Hunter snapped, raising his arms in the air. She was really frustrating to deal with.

"…Thanks, I guess."

"You 'guess'?"

"Hey, that's the best you're getting."

At least it was better than nothing. Hunter turned and made to leave.

"…Wait a sec." He stopped and looked back at her. She was waving her stubby arms about, as though frustrated. "Don't we normally fight longer than this?"

"…I guess. So?" he replied. Hacker groaned and shook her head.

"But it's no fun that way! You're supposed to pester me about being stupid enough to get a stop sign on my foot, then I go and tease you about hiding from me, then we fight some more and then I own your ass!" she went on, waving her arms about and puffing her throat between breaths. Hunter was a little weirded out by her wheezy ranting.

"…And why do you want that to happen exactly?" he dared to ask. Hacker stopped flailing and she puffed her throat up again, as well as her cheeks.

"'Cause I'm frickin' BORED!"

Hunter breathed out a heavy sigh. He knew she had been annoying him and getting on his nerves for her own amusement, but he didn't know that Hacker was THIS desperate to torture him. She needed to get another hobby.

"Don't you have anything better to do with your time during a zombie apocalypse?" Hunter asked. He looked around for any suggestions, and pointed at a rental store. "Watch a movie or something. They're free now, all things considered."

Hacker paused before she deflated herself. She was quiet. It made Hunter feel uneasy.

"…Fine. Have it your way." Hacker walked right up to him and grinned. "I'll just watch a re-enactment of a classic."

_KA-POW!_

Hunter was kicked out into the street. He tumbled into the middle of the road and came to a stop. Before he knew it, a ball of dull pink goo was shot at him, sticking him to the ground. He struggled to sit up.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Hunter looked around frantically and noticed the steep hill he was at the bottom of. He frowned. "Since when was there a hill here?"

"I dunno, but it's part of the big scene." He looked back over to Hacker and his jaw dropped. She was standing near a parked car by the sidewalk. Its lights were flashing and he could hear the warning beep it made.

"Hacker, w-what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking about ending this evening with a beep," she called back casually, getting her foot at the ready.

"H-Hacker! You set that thing off and I'll-"

_BANG!_

_BWEEP-BWEEP-BWEEP-BWEEP!_

The moment the car alarm went off, Hunter froze. He heard the screaming in the distance and saw a couple of rocks nearby start to quiver. Hunter looked up at the top of the hill. In seconds, a giant horde began to stampede down the hill, all charging towards the source of the alarm. Hunter gulped.

"Hacker… I'll get you for this," he managed to say. Hacker was hiding behind the window of a store, watching the scene from her safe spot.

"I'll try to 'be prepared'!" she yelled over the noise as the horde trampled over the stuck Hunter. She smiled at her work, no longer bored. "I love Disney rip-offs."

* * *

Later Days!

**Hunter**: SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS F***ING FANFIC!


	12. The DateWrecking Game, Round 3

**DISCLAIMER:** … … … I heart ellipses.

Hacker. Is. Mine. =P.

* * *

11. The Date-Wrecking Game, Round 3

"Y-y-y-y-you want us to what?"

"Oh HELL YEAH! I'm in!"

"Does it involve killing the Cullens?"

"NO!" Huntress, Smoker and Hacker all yelled at the same time. VampHunter sulked.

"But I wanna kill 'em."

"Are you sure about this, Hacker?" Boomer asked, a little uneasy as he looked at each of the hunting infected. Huntee was a shivering mess, as usual, Huntress looked like she was getting even more crazed by the second and Vamp… well, he was sulking over the lack of vampire slaying. "Don't you think we should leave these guys out of this and give Hunter a break or something?"

"IagreewithBoomer!" Huntee squeaked, ducking behind the tubby infected to avoid looking at his sister's creepy smile.

"I refuse to give him a break for as long as there are survivors!" Hacker declared, pointing an elbow at the sky. There was an awkward silence afterwards and she had to sigh from impatience. "Let's face it, the survivors aren't gonna go away."

"Yeah *cough*."

"True."

"JACOB RULES!"

"Shut up!"

"Now, Huntress," Hacker began, getting down on her knees and putting a forearm-less arm on said crouching zombie's shoulder. "I was wondering if we could go over a strategy for this?"

"My pleasure." The two shared one of those creepy plotting looks as they giggled darkly. Smoker put a new cigarette in his mouth and sighed, letting out a puff of green smoke.

"This can't end well."

* * *

**Round 3: Hunting Party**

"_Pills here."_

"_Isn't that my line?"_

"_You know what I think about overused memes?"_

"…_You hate them?"_

"_Exactly."_

"Do we get to kill any of them?" Vamp whispered as they watched the four (very familiar) survivors below. Huntress flashed her fangs at him with a Cheshire grin.

"_After_ we ruin Hunter's date."

The three different Hunting Infected were hiding amongst the support beams near the ceiling of a warehouse, not far from the area of the city where the date was. Down below them were four survivors scavenging for supplies; Bill, Zoey, Francis and Louis. They all looked very cautious and perhaps a little jumpy after their close call with Tank earlier.

"W-w-why did we ag-g-gree to this s-s-s-s-s-sis?" Huntee whimpered from under his hood. He was cowering on their beam whilst pulling the hood all the way down over his face, shivering like hell. (As you can tell, he's a wuss.)

"To get back at Hunter for cheating in Tag." Huntress yanked the edge of the hood from her brother's grasp and went back to watching the humans. "That and we get to kill something afterwards. That's a bonus."

"Ya know what else would be a bonus?" Vamp asked, a dreamy smile upon his face. Huntress slashed her claws at him, forcing him to scurry away in avoidance. "Fine, but when it comes to what _I_ want, we're going to Forks to kick vampire ass!"

* * *

"Sorry, *sniff* again."

"No problem. It… uh… it needed a wash anyway."

Hunter and Witch were walking towards the A-B-A-N-D-O-N-E-D movie theatre (now run by commons), ready to watch a movie: Neighbourhood Villainy, a zombie/horror film. Hey, if they went through one zombie apocalypse already, how bad could watching another one be?

As they stepped into the lobby, a common stumbled out from a door to one of the screenings, throwing up as he went. Both specials watched him stumble by them and out the door, still throwing up. Witch looked over at the screen's movie above the door and cringed. "Th-that's the *sniff* movie we're meant to *sniff* be watching, right?"

"…"

"…Hunter?"

"W-what?" Hunter slapped himself out of his fear and grinned nervously at his date. "I-it's not that bad, it can't be! That guy's just got a weak stomach, is all!" Witch still didn't look convinced. "Come on, we're IN a zombie apocalypse! A movie can't be any worse, right?"

_At least I hope not,_ he thought as the two walked in.

* * *

"Isitoveryetisitoveryet?" Witch sobbed with her face buried in Hunter's chest. Hunter would have been panicking from awkwardness and such if he weren't hugging her as well whilst burying his face in her hair. He took a quick peek at the screen and looked away just as fast.

"DON'T LOOK DON'T LOOK DON'T LOOK!" he shrieked. Both of them kept holding each other in fear as the horrifying movie played on.

* * *

"Pffft! Babies." Hacker was sitting at the very back of the movie theatre, munching away on some nachos. She was keeping an eye on them and watching the gore fest at the same time. "This movie is nothing! Now, 'Welcome to my House of Horrors', THAT'S a scary movie." Neither Boomer nor Smoker replied. "…Guys?" Hacker reluctantly pulled her eyes from the screen to look at her friends.

Smoker had wrapped his own tongue around his eyes as a blindfold, looking pale as a sheet, and Boomer was covering his mouth with both of his chubby hands, green as a lettuce leaf. "…Babies."

"'Scuse me for wanting to keep my lunch down." Smoker reached out a hand to try and poke Hacker in the shoulder, but he had trouble navigating and ended up poking Boomer's rib. Boomer groaned, and from the looks of it he was trying his best to keep his bile from showering the place.

"_Well, that's the last of them."_

"_Thank heavens. That Miss Newyear friend of yours had better be prepared to take out that plant. The files on the computer said it was worse than these zombie cats. A lot worse."_

"_I think it's safe to say that Raincoat Inc. really outdid themselves here. That zombie villager back there didn't even look like a zombie."_

"_That's because he wasn't a zombie, you killed him for his knife."_

Boomer was relieved when all of the violence and gore had stopped. But just as soon as the quiet part of the movie came, there was another string of gunshots and slashing of flesh filling the theatre. Some of the commons (who hadn't left yet or hadn't killed themselves out of horror) were screaming.

"OHDEARGOD, WHY'D HE OPEN THE CLOSET?"

"MY EYES! MY EYES!"

"WHEN WILL HUMANITY LEARN NOT TO _DO_ THIS KIND OF STUFF?"

With his stomach gurgling like hell, Boomer opened his mouth to puke, but something sticky covered his mouth to keep the bile in. Boomer looked over at Hacker in panic, seeing the fresh string of gum hanging from her mouth as she watched the screen with a pissed look on her face. "No bile. It'll ruin the plan."

"How long until your 'brilliant plan' starts, exactly?" Smoker asked, trying to use air quotes around 'brilliant plan' but he ended up unintentionally poking Boomer in the eye.

"When we hear the signal."

"What signal?" Before Smoker got a reply, a whole lot of noise came from outside.

_BANGBANGBANG!_

_RATATATATATATATATAT!_

_Beebeebeebeebee-_

"_WHAT THE FU-"_

_BOOOOOM!_

"THAT signal." Hacker snickered evilly as the theatre doors swung open.

Huntress, Huntee and Vamp all came leaping inside, followed by the trigger-happy survivors they had been asked to lure here.

"GIVE ME BACK MY PILLS!" Louis screamed, firing his AK-47 wildly at Huntee (the poor sod had been given the job of stealing the pills).

"Forgive meeeeeeee!"

"Grow a backbone, bro!" Huntress screamed at him, clutching the shotgun she had stolen from Zoey. Unfortunately, before she could get Zoey close to Hunter and Witch (in an attempt to get them caught in the crossfire), one of the bullets from Zoey's pistols hit Huntress square in the back of the head. Instead of falling to the ground as a lifeless corpse, Huntress dropped the gun and swirled around to leap onto the survivor. "BITCHYOUDIDNOTJUSTSHOOTMEEEE!"

"Sh*tsh*tsh*t!" Zoey yelled, knocked to the ground and being slashed to death by the enraged special. Apparently bullets to the brain couldn't stop a pissed off Huntress.

* * *

Meanwhile, Vamp was leading Francis towards the daters (surprisingly unaware of the situation around them) by taunting him with his stolen vest. How was he taunting? By wearing it and making bad imitations of the human, of course.

"'I hate running! I hate shooting! I hate traps!'"

"SHUT UP, M***ERF***ER!" Francis yelled, unable to shoot Vamp because of his constant bouncing around.

It was at the point of going in circles around Hunter and Witch that Vamp noticed something strange. The two zombies were still clinging to each other in horror, but only about the film. They _still_ hadn't noticed a friggin' thing that was going on! Vamp was just about ready to pounce on them and throw them into the chaos himself when he spotted something on the film screen.

"_What is it, Harry?"_

"_What? What IS this? A…glittering blood drinking - "_

Vamp hadn't registered the word 'zombie' after the description. He tossed Francis's vest back at him and pounced through the screen. "CULLEEEENS!"

"…I hate haters." Francis mumbled, putting the vest back on as Vamp ended up crashing into a bunch of stuff behind the screen.

* * *

"Boomer, is it over yet?"

"Brrr!"

"Oh right. Gum gag. OK, tap my shoulder once for yes and twice for no."

_SMACK! SMACK!_

"OW! I said _tap,_ not _slap_!"

"Brlrblr." (Translation: Sorry =( )

"Alright, here's the plan. We sneak out and deny ANY interaction with Hacker tonight," Smoker explained, feeling his way along the floor through the row of seats. He still had the sense to blindfold himself (that goddamn movie was too scary for words), but it was a pain to find the way out. "I know she's normally a smartass crazy little bitch, but this time she's gone just plain batsh*t insane."

"Bblrbr!"

"What?" Smoker didn't really know what Boomer's muffled sound of shock meant until his hand felt the round end of a boot. And he could smell a cigarette that wasn't his. And he sensed the presence of a badass survivor.

_*Click*_

"…Y-you wouldn't shoot a blind guy, would ya pops?"

_BANG!_

"Brrl!" (Eeep! D=)

_BOOM!_

* * *

"*Sob, sob* Is it *sob* over yet?"

"L-l-l-l-lemme ch-ch-check." Hunter took a peek at the screen to see what was happening, but all he saw was a huge gaping hole in the middle of the picture. He looked around and his jaw seemed to dislocate itself, leaving him with a gaping mouth like a fish. "Ho… ly… sh*t!"

"*Sniffle* It's bad isn't it? …Hunter?" When Witch didn't get a reply, she pulled her head out of Hunter's shoulder and looked in the same direction as him.

There were survivors in the theatre, and everywhere else there was chaos. A girl in a red jacket was getting her guts ripped out by a female Hunter, a man in some kind of office-work clothing was shooting furiously at a bright yellow and twig-figured Hunter, and an old guy was fighting off a whole horde of zombies whilst covered in Boomer's puke. Witch's jaw dangled in a similar manner to Hunter's.

Then she felt something cold and metal-ish against her head. Her eyes flashed red and she growled at the vest-wearing survivor. He smirked. "I hate bitches."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL HER?"

Francis didn't really stand a chance. He pulled the trigger, but missed Witch's head, and he ended up being pounced on by both of them and got slashed and stomped on. "SH*T! GUYS GIMME A HAND!"

"Kinda busy, Francis!"

"Ohdeargod, that's my spleen?"

"PIIIIIIILLLZZZZ!"

"RAAAAWWWRR!"

Everyone froze in place (even the slash-happy Huntress) at the sound of a very familiar roar and the very familiar stomping coming from a short distance away. Bill was the first to react. "TAAAA - "

_THWACK!_

Tank came bursting through a wall and knocked Bill off in Louis's direction (still chasing the poor Huntee). The two collided with each other and flew straight into a wall (with a horde of screaming zombies following Bill's bile-covered self), and Huntee, out of his own instincts, leapt off to hide behind a row of seats.

Tank then focused his attention to Huntress and Zoey. He stomped over and snatched Huntress off of the human by her hoodie, before he went ahead and thwacked the gutted Zoey off in the same direction as the other humans. Huntress flailed her legs in anger and started to chomp on Tank's arm.

"THATWASMYKILLTHATWASMYKILL!" she shrieked between chomps, clearly hyped up from all of the slashing.

Tank rolled his eyes and looked in Hunter and Witch's direction. Both were silent for a few moments. Hunter raised a bloodied claw after the stare-off and said, "He'll be with you in a minute. HOW DARE YOU CALL MY DATE A BITCH?" He went back to slashing at Francis's torso whilst Witch continued to stomp on and claw at the survivor's head.

"RAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

_! Francis pissed of the Hunter and the Witch!_

* * *

After Tank went on to vent some frustration by beating what was left of the survivors to a pulp, things were starting to be made clear for Hunter and Witch. Both of them stood in front of Vamp, Huntress and Huntee, all of whom were sitting on the floor of the theatre like naughty children sent to the corner. Vamp was ripping up some Eclipse leaflets he had gotten from the front desk, Huntress was licking her claws off and not really bothered (was she a psychotic killer prior to the infection?) and Huntee was… well, Huntee (a shivering mess).

"You wanna explain what all of this is about?" Hunter growled, right up in Huntress's face. She tried to scratch him but he just dodged and kept growling in her face. Huntress folded her arms and pouted.

"You shouldn't have cheated in Tag."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?" Huntress stuck her nose in the air and turned away from him, the blood from her chest smudging onto her sleeves from her movement. Hunter switched his attention to Vamp. "How about you, Vamp? Explanation?"

"Cullens are _evil_. DOWN WITH THEM I SAY!" Vamp shrieked, grabbing a few more leaflets off the floor and shredding them to pieces in his mouth. Witch stood there with a freaked out look on her dead pale face and Hunter face-palmed. Vamp was on some kind of vampire-death-buzz again.

And that left Huntee. Witch and Hunter looked at him with fury and rage on their faces. He shrunk under their gazes and pulled his hood back over his face. "P-p-p-p-please don't hurt me."

"Don't you _dare_ crack, bro. Don't. You. _Dare_," Huntress growled at him, licking a bloodstain off of her teeth. Huntee gulped and lifted his hood to look at the interrogators again. Witch suddenly jumped forward and held her claws to his neck, her eyes glowing an angry red.

"Talk. N - " Before Witch could finish saying 'now', Huntee snapped and started squeaking everything out.

"HACKER-WANTED-OUR-HELP-TO-RUIN-YOUR-DATE-SO-SHE-MADE-A-PLAN-WITH-HUNTRESS-AND-WE-GOT-A-BUNCH-OF-SURVIVORS-HERE-AND-THEY-STARTED-SHOOTING-AT-ME-AND-I-HAD-TO-RUN-AWAY-THEN-TANK-CAME-AND - "

Huntress smacked her little brother hard in the back of his head. "YOU IDIOT!"

"…Did you actually get any of that?" Witch asked Hunter, slowly backing away from the other two zombies. When she looked at him, he was growling and crushing a leaflet from Vamp.

"Haaaackeeeer…" he growled. His tone changed from anger to that of surprise when two things dangled upside-down in front of him, held up by Tank. "Smoker? Boomer?"

Smoker was blindfolding himself with his own tongue, and he looked a mess. There was a huge bullet hole in his chest and more of his green smoke was emitting from it than normal. Boomer was holding onto the ankles of his lower half, mumbling something about duct tape. Smoker was the one to answer. "…We didn't *cough* know she was *cugh, cough* _that_ insane."

"You two were in on it too?"

"We thought she went a bit far with the machine gun," Boomer mumbled. Tank dropped them both next to the three other Hunter infected, and Hunter immediately pounced right up to Smoker's face.

"Where. Is. Hacker?"

"She *cough* ditched." Smoker felt around in his pockets and looked agitated that he couldn't find something. "Damn survivor took my *cough* cigs!"

"WHADDYA MEAN SHE DITCHED?" Hunter shrieked into his face. The zombie with the long tongue finally undid his makeshift bandage and looked Hunter in the shadow of his hood.

"After the trio of terror *cough* jumped in, she disappeared."

"Like a ninja!" Boomer piped up. Everyone, even Tank and any commons left in the theatre, glared at him. The round one looked down at his hands and twiddled his thumbs. I'll shut up now."

"_HA!" _Hacker's voice echoed through the theatre. She must have realised that she had now alerted her presence to everyone, because they heard her say, _"Crap."_

"HACKER! GET OVER HERE NOW, YA LITTLE CRAP-SPEWER!" Hunter shrieked, shaking his fists at the ceiling. "WHERE ARE YOU?"

Tank wandered up to the wall and turned to face everyone. He grunted, asking for attention, and everyone looked at him. The largest of the group raised his fist and hit it strongly against the wall once. The theatre shook like there was a mini-earthquake and with his free hand, Tank caught something that fell from the ceiling. There she was. Hanging from Tank's fist by her ankle, Hacker was upside-down with a lit Molotov in her mouth.

"…What?"

"'What'? 'WHAT' YOU SAY? THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY? I'LL TELL YOU 'WHA – " Before Hunter could stomp over and beat the living sh*t around the troublemaker, Witch raised an arm and blocked his way. He looked up at her, confused, but he couldn't see her face as it was hidden by her hair. Why had she stopped him?

"Hunter… everyone… could you all please wait for us three outside?" she said quietly, and it was hard to hear her voice. And what did she mean by 'us three'? Her, Tank and Hacker? What for? Before Hunter or anyone else could get a word in, Witch's head snapped up and her eyes were glowing red with anger. "GET OUT NOW!"

Hunter, Smoker (who was rolling both of Boomer's halves out with him), Huntress, Huntee and Vamp all dashed out without another word (except for Boomer's complaints about getting popcorn in his eye). Soon it was just Witch, Tank and the upside-down Hacker. Tank used his free hand to delicately plucked the Molotov from the short one's mouth, and Witch began to scold her.

"I can't BELIEVE you! I told you to make Hunter look good, not to make him look DEAD!"

Hacker turned her face away and pouted. "I got the job done, didn't I?"

"YOU NEARLY KILLED EVERYONE!"

"Geez, Witches are picky."

"I'd kill you right now, but I know Hunter would want to do that himself."

"Ah, seems like only yesterday when you thought of him as a perv. Where did those times go?"

Witch ignored her and turned her attention to Tank. "And I thought you were going to keep an eye on her?"

"Hm," was all he grunted.

Hacker did an upside-down shrug. "His reason seems plausible."

"…" Witch's eye twitched and she turned her back on them both, stomping towards the exit. "Short homicidal _bitch_."

"So, we still hangin' at Starbucks next Saturday?" she heard Hacker yell from behind her. Witch waved her claws in her direction.

"Sure."

* * *

"So, that was… _not_ how I imagined it."

"…The murdering was *sniff* good."

"Yeah! Yeah, that was!"

Hunter and Witch both made awkward small talk as they headed back to the old office building that the latter like to cry in. There were a lot of pauses in their little conversation up to the point where they were completely in silence by the time they reached the main entrance. They faced each other, Hunter fiddling with his hood and Witch twiddling her claws.

"So… wanna *sniffle* do it again sometime?" Witch asked. Hunter's eye sockets widened, but he was automatically nodding through his surprise.

"Sure, sure! How 'b-bout the old theme park?"

"S-sounds *sniff* good."

"Great! …I'll, um, see ya there!"

Still feeling awkward, Hunter turned around all robot-like and was about to run away from the awkwardness as fast as he could, but one of Witch's claws tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to see if anything was wrong, but nothing was wrong. Witch leaned in and gave him a kiss on his blistered cheek, and if either of them still had any colour in their faces, they'd've both been bright red.

* * *

"So… what now?" Smoker asked, getting the duct tape ready to fix Boomer. None of them replied. Boomer and the three Hunters were on the ground and staring up at him, all incredibly shocked with their mouths gaping open. Smoker checked his bullet wound again, wondering if maybe there was something gruesome about it, but he noticed something on the floor. A huge, hulking shadow of something that stood behind him.

Slowly, Smoker looked around and saw Tanks looming above him, holding an upside-down Hacker in one hand as he glared at the small group. Hacker sighed. "Guys, we'd in some deeeeeep sh*t now."

* * *

Probably not the best way to finish a three-parter, but OH. MY. GOD. FINISHED! *collapses* Damn college! Damn obsession with Disgaea! Damn life outside the internet! DAAAAAAAAMN!

I missed you guys. ='( So, to celebrate the fact that I'm BACK IN BUSINESS BABY!, we're gonna do a Q&A next chapter! =D Simply ask a character from the list below any question you like, and you can ask multiple characters at a time! Just type the question in a review. (This is NOT to promote feedback! …or IS it? 0_o)

The Infected you can ask questions are:

Hacker  
Smoker  
Boomer  
Huntress  
Huntee  
VampHunter  
Dave the Common  
Tank

And that's all for now, folks! The quicker I get feedback, the quicker I can start my next chapter! =D

Later Days, peeps!  
**Tank**: Hm.


	13. Grounded at the Fourth Wall

**DISCLAIMER**: … … … I still heart ellipses. (There should be a drinking game for how random I get whilst saying that I do not own L4D. =P)

Hacker = mine, Huntress, VampHunter & Huntee = mine, humour = …Wait, I have humour?

* * *

13. Grounded at the Fourth Wall

"AAAAAAAAAHHH! UUUUUUUGH! Wait, is that my – AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH, DEARGODTHEPAIN!"

"S-sounds like Dave's got it bad," Boomer mumbled sympathetically, peering through the bars of a prison cell and looking at the door to an office. Someone cleared their throat behind him and he looked over his shoulder at Smoker.

"I *cough* _think_ we _might_ have it *cough, cough* a _little_ worse than *wheeeeze* _him_." Clearly emphasis wasn't good for Smoker right now. He had most of his tongue twisted and knotted around his head and his neck after all, and he didn't have enough breath to smoke at all. Boomer could see his point. He looked down at his lower half, stuck back to his upper half feet first, so now his toes and ankles were jabbing into whatever organs he had, and it hurt him to move.

Tank had been punishing all of them for their scheme the only way that seemed reasonable: by beating the living crap out of them all. Hunter's three hunting buddies, Huntress, Vamp and Huntee, had all gotten pulverised and their hoods all knotted together, as well as their claws being cruelly covered with oven mitts and duct tape so they couldn't free themselves from each other. They seemed pretty self-conscious, because they all got a paper bag each to hide their heads. (The got the bags though plot convenience, so don't ask =D)

As for Hacker… well, she was glued to the ceiling. With her own sticky substance. She was lying flat against the ceiling with only her half-arms free from the gummy stuff, dangling towards the floor thanks to gravity. Her throat was puffed up like a frog's. "Stupid Tank."

"Stupid *cooouuugh* _you_!" Smoker wheezed, poking what little of his knotted tongue he could in her direction. He gestured at his head with a shaky hand. "This bullsh*t is _your_ fault! Do you _know_ how uncomfortable it gets when you don't emit the smoke you're supposed to?"

"Um, yeah, _hello_?" Huntress piped up, attempting to sit up from her slouch. She tugged on the knotted hoods and caused all three of the Hunters to squeak and 'khaaah' and make various choking noises, so she leaned back into the slouch again. "At least _you're_ not tied to three dimwits."

"I resent that!"

"Shut up, Vamp"

"You all could've backed out whenever you wanted," Hacker said calmly, staring at the floor. Smoker marched up so that he stood right under her.

"Like _hell_ we could've. You *cough, cough*, you would've glued us to the sidewalk if *wheeeeze* we didn't help you!"

"You _still_ wouldn't be here right now."

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Just then, Dave was tossed into their cell, smacking into Boomer and knocking them both to the floor. All of the infected looked at the door, seeing Tank stand there with a police officer hat on his head. He grunted and tossed something else in, something white and cube-like, and he tossed it so that it hit Smoker hard in the gut, and then he slammed the door shut and walked over to the nearest desk.

"Dave… you okay?" Boomer asked.

The common, with one side of his face squished against the floor, had been twisted and scrunched up and bent into an unnatural shape. With a weak voice he squeaked with utter horror, "He made me look at my spleen."

"What the hell is that thing?" Hacker asked, waving her little stubs at the box in Smoker's hands. In pain, he turned it to show her the black screen on the front of it, as well as an 'on' button and a keyboard attached to the bottom. "…Again, what the hell is it?"

"It's a *cough* computer. An old one." Smoker rested it on the floor of the cell and looked at it carefully, rubbing the area of his stomach where the computer hit him. Why did Tank chuck this in? The power button was flashing, and Smoker scratched his chin. "Think we should turn it on?"

"DON'T! It's a TRAP!" Vamp screamed.

"Don't give a crap," Huntress mumbled.

"Happy place, happy place, happy place," Huntee was whispering to himself, hugging his legs to his chest.

"Can we fix Dave first?" Boomer asked, attempting to straighten one of Dave's arms but only making him scream in pain.

"Push it push it push it!" Hacker chirped gleefully, a wide smile on her face. Everyone looked at her with the most freaked out look since the beginning of this story, all seeming horrified at her surprising behaviour. She puffed up her throat at them. "What, I can't be cute?"

"…Majority says push it," Smoker said quickly, wanting to change the subject as soon as possible. He jabbed his finger at the button and the screen turned bright, and displaying a message:

_As punishment for attempting to ruin / kill Hunter's date, and for interrupting Tank as he beat the living daylights out of a group of survivors, you shall be sentenced to interrogation through the act of breaking the 4__th__ wall. Also it will be in script format because all of the Q&As are forced to be like that, apparently._

"…What's the 4th wall?" Boomer asked.

* * *

**Smoker**: …*cough* Woah.  
**Vamp**: This place is freaky.  
**Boomer**: I'm scared.  
**Huntee**: Me too.  
**Huntress**: Pfft, babies.  
**Hacker**: Yeah, I've been here all the time, it's not so bad. Ooooh, here's the first question!  
**Dave**: My spleeeeeeen…

_AWESOME CHAPTER! Anyway, I have a question for Hacker:_

_Exactly, how many times have you tried to kill Hunter? That's all!_

_- AnimeGirl1220_

**Hacker**: …Ah, crap.  
**Smoker**: Well, Hacker? C'mon, tell us, are you a homicidal maniac?  
**Hacker**: …Maybe.  
**Dave**: I KNEW it!  
**Hacker**: …Maybe not. *Evil giggle*  
**Boomer**: She's starting to scare me, guys.  
**Smoker**: Don't think you can pull the 'mystery motive' bullsh*t thing, give us a straight answer.  
**Hacker**: …Remember that time when Hunter was choking on that rubber duck?  
**Boomer**: That was YOU?  
**Hacker**: Yup.  
**Smoker**: And the time he was chased by that fire extinguisher?  
**Hacker**: Me.  
**Boomer**: And the toaster incident?  
**Hacker**: Also me.  
**Smoker**: And the rabid squirrels -  
**Hunter**: WE AGREED NEVER TO SPEAK OF THAT.  
**Boomer**: Where'd you come from?  
**Hunter**: Cameo. …Bye.  
**Smoker**: See ya next chapter, dude.

_I would like to ask Dave the common if he'll be making a reappearance any time soon?_

_I would also like to ask Witch why she cries? Although that particular mystery is probably more difficult to solve than the mona lisa's smile "-.-_

_- The two stars_

**Dave**: …Um, I'm already here. …But my spleen isn't. *sniffle*  
**Smoker**: …Yeeeaaah… Oh, and the Witch isn't here, so sorry _two stars_, she can't answer your question right now.  
**Hacker**: But I bet she cries because of her nails.  
**Smoker**: …Why?  
**Hacker**: What if you had _just_ gotten a manicure when you got infected? How would you feel then, huh?  
**Smoker**: I will never understand girls or their nails, so don't try to make me sympathise.  
**Hacker**: …Pessimist.  
**Smoker**: Serial killer.

_Hacker, how did you lose arms? And could you please give me a possible reason why when I think about you while reading this story you remind me of Witch?_

_- Syrix5310_

**Hacker**: …*Looks at stubby arms*… I don't know.  
**Smoker**: Alright, now answer the other question.  
**Hacker**: How am I supposed to answer though? I don't know why this guy / girl is reminded of Witch when he / she thinks of me, it's his / her personal opinion.  
**Smoker**: That's it?  
**Boomer**: And why are you using 'he' AND 'she'?  
**Hacker**: It's the _internet_. How am I supposed to tell someone's gender by their username?  
**Huntress**: It's called 'assumption', everyone does it.

_Dave the common? Who's that._

_- I'm a Lover not a Hater_

**Dave**: …*more sniffles*  
**Smoker**: You want a minute to cry in that corner of cyberspace over there?  
**Dave**: *nods, goes off to sulk*

**Smoker**: Looks like that's all the questions.  
**Hacker**: Seriously? …That's _it_?  
**Smoker**: Yup.  
**Hacker**: Where the f*** are all my adoring fans?  
**Smoker**: What, you thought you stepped into _crazyland_?  
**Huntress**: WHY DIDN'T I GET ASKED ANY QUESTIONS? WHERE'S MY DIALOGUE?  
**Huntee**: , don'tkillanyonesis. *whimper*  
**Vamp**: Why hasn't anyone commented on my overused Twilight jokes?  
**Boomer**: You're aware of that?  
**Smoker**: Trying to get a laugh through mere petty jokes. How sad.  
**Vamp**: SHUT UP!  
**Dave**: Hey guys? Maybe we should comment on comments made by the reviewers so this chapter seems extra long?  
**Hacker**: That sounds lame… Let's do it!  
**Smoker**: This 4th wall thing makes me _really_ want a cigarette right now.

_I died during this chapter._

_- XxmoonlitxX_

**Huntress**: So you died, huh? Well we'll see ya in this hellhole sometime soon, am I right?

_... I love you._

_/!\ Screamer Approved /!\_

_- ScreamerGirl_

**Hacker**: What's a 'Screamer'?  
**Smoker**: Ugh, that concept was a nightmare. He kept ruining our movie night by screaming at every damn important thing possible and made us all temporarily deaf for a week.  
**Boomer**: And we thought he had rabies.  
**Smoker**: That too.

_GO NINJA BOOMER! The only way you can thouroughly kick ass is by being a ninja._

And I bet Hacker would enjoy some bacon flavored gum.

_- Henix Aurorus_

**Dave**: Oh yeah? Try telling that to Naruto. *Ba-dum-chu*  
**Hacker**: And bacon flavoured gum sounds disgusting!  
**Smoker**: But you still want it, don't you?  
**Hacker**: Well NOW I do. ¬_¬

_This story, in itself, is very interesting if a bit bland. To be honest some of the descriptions of the characters are a bit flat and they seem to convey only a two dimensional character at times. Yet, I have found that the dynamic between the Hunter, the Hacker, and the Witch to be very interesting and I think that with a bit more exploration this could be a very explosive story arc. Overall, thank you for the awesome story and I hope you continue it soon._

_Sincerely,_

_AgLingua42_

**Hacker**: …You know that fancy music they play during some scene where a guy talks to you from beside a fireplace?  
**Vamp**: Yeah?  
**Hacker**: This guy just handed our asses to us from that fireplace in the first two sentences.  
**Vamp**: Wow, we got owned… storytime style.  
**Hacker**: You, sir, deserve this:

(Insert that one badass CSI intro that starts with AAAAAAHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHH! *Sunglasses* here)

_Hacker is bloody amazing_

-_ Jussie_

**Hacker**: Why yes, yes I am.  
**Smoker**: Can you say, 'conceited'? You didn't even quote the whole thing.  
**Hacker**: Fine, I'll shove in another sentence from the full thing.

_Smoker is the best...that's what I think._

_-Jussie_

**Smoker**: *Smug* Ha.  
**Hacker**: Don't steal my catchphrase.

_really i think hacker is being heartless. i mean she helped the guy win a date and now she;s trying to ruin it? how would she like if someone ruined her date?_

_- Commander KOR_

**Hacker**: Actually someone _did_ ruin my chance to ruin _someone else's_ date. I'd introduce you to him, but he's all the way at the bottom of the ocean. *evil creepy laugh*  
**Huntress**: …Issues, girl, you have issues.  
**Hacker**: Mullet guy.  
**Huntress**: WHERE IS THAT SONOFABITCH, I'LL KILL HIM!

_And I wont steal Hacker, MY infected OCS are EPIC!_

_- Scorpion 123456_

**Hacker**: Aren't you a little full of yourself?  
**Smoker**: Speak for yourself, you big hypocrite.  
**Hacker**: Shut up, Smokey. _I_ can get away with it.  
**Smoker**: No you can't.  
**Hacker**: I said SHUT UP!

_YOUR STILL ALIVE! O_O_

_- Scorpion 123456_

**Hacker**: _This was a triumph,  
I'm making a note here,  
WRITER'S BLOCK  
Why am I singing like Miku Hatsune?_  
**Smoker**: _Something' 'bout 'Science',  
We butcher this song,  
Because we can,_  
**Huntress**, **Vamp** & **Huntee**: _Blah blah, something 'bout helping peeps,  
Except the ones who were pwned_  
**Boomer**: Can we have cake now?  
**Vamp**: THE CAKE IS A - *headshot*  
**Huntee**: …Wh-who… fired that gun?  
**Hacker**: Huh… well that's never happened before.  
**Smoker**: …We should leave now.  
**Boomer**: How?  
**Hacker**: Oh, there's an elevator thingie over there. I use it all the time to reach the top floor of the 4th wall so I can read other fics and watch Linkara and make AMVs and draw some crap and write my own fics and stuff like that.  
**Smoker**: …  
**Hacker**: …What?  
**Smoker**: Are you sure you're not just a Mary-S-  
**Hacker**: Get in the damn conclusion.

* * *

Back in the cell, all of the infected were caught in a stunned silence. Dave, suddenly back in his pretzel-like position (and everyone else was also back in their beaten states) was the only one to speak for a while. "Trippy."

* * *

Wooooot! My first Q&A is finished! …Probably poorly done, but nonetheless finished! *Fanfare*

I would like to take this moment to ay a big thank you to everyone who gave me feedback and watched my story and stuff like that! This thing would've most likely been dead in the water without the feedback that I live on. Because _FEEDBACK, FEEDBACK, FEEDBACK is my dru -_ *headshot* I would also like to ask that no-one flame me for what any of the characters said about your reviews. It's all in good *uses shield to block all the flaming arrows* fun.

Now I must take a break to write more about my Disgaea fic. Later Days, doods!

_Welcome to Hacker's 4__th__ Wall,  
__Where we rip off stuuuuuff…_


	14. VocalOw

**DISCLAIMER**: ...DID I MENTION THAT I (bleep)ING LOVE ELLIPSES?

Who are you? What is that? Hey, what's that fic about? Oh! You're the reader who fave'd this. Hi! Ew, what's wrong with your legs? Have you been sitting at that computer for long? Look up, why is that thing so loud? Look down, oh! Snippets! My favourite! Hey, what's that thing on your desk? No, that other thing. What are you doing? Oooohhh, what's in thiiiiis chapter? =D

* * *

14. Vocal-Ow

I was huddled behind a car flipped on its side, hiding with three other survivors of the infection. Nothin' really special about any of them; one was a happy geezer, one was some kid with a baseball bat as a defence and one was a chick. I was the ass. End of exposition.

It was quiet. Too quiet. Make a comment about that being clichéd and you'll regret it.

While the others conversed about a safe route to take for quick cover, I was scouting with my sniper rifle. The scope on it wasn't too good, but it did the job. And you must wonder how I know to use a sniper rifle? Well, it's a funny story. And it's none of your business.

But as I looked about for any signs of the infected, I saw shapes in the shadows. They were small, and all I could really see of them were two pairs of boots in the thin shaft of light from what was left of the day. I was going to warn the others when the boots started to move. Two blonde kids, with big eyes and a weird wardrobe choice, appeared from the shadows, and they pointed towards the car we were hiding behind.

I would have given the three a heads up, but I thought, 'f*** it, they won't believe me.'

The identical children opened their mouths and a loud, "WRRRYYYYYYYY!" shortly followed. And then came the screams of the next inevitable goddamn horde and we all made a beeline for whatever place we could hold our ground from.

* * *

"See? I told ya they'd work!" Hacker cheered, standing next to the androids they had found at the _abandoned anime convention_. While standing next to the Kagamine Rin model, Hacker glared. Dammit, she was shorter that this thing? "Though we should probably remove some parts so the survivors don't salvage them!"

"Ow!" the female of the twin robots protested when Hacker kicked her in the shin. She pouted at the zombie and mumbled a robotic-sounding reply in Japanese.

Smoker sighed and looked the two robots up and down. "Do you really think using a pair of robots that don't look to 'subtle' would really be useful in getting those survivors?"

"You heard their little 'meme' thing, they get commons here easily!" Hacker tried to defend them, sticking a pipe to her sticky foot and then attempting to bash off one of Rin's legs. The robot girl kept knocking the pipe away and kept moaning about the attempted assaults in her default language. Hacker kept coming up with excuses to keep them (even when her behaviour towards their height suggested otherwise). "They can spot survivors for us and call the horde to get them!"

"Hacker, that means there's nothing left for us."

Hacker immediately stopped when she realised the flaw in her plan. Damn, she didn't think of that. None of the others would go for these robots if they couldn't get a piece of those rotten non-infected. With a sigh, she stopped hitting the robot and sulked off to a corner. "Guess they'll just have to be pets or something."

"Why do you want to keep them?"

"They have high voices and they scream annoyingly loud. I wanna give Hunter a taste of his own freakishly high pitched voice."

"Ah, so it DID have something to do with torturing Hunter. I thought you were just distracting yourself from that with this plan."

"Of course not!"

"Buuut you DID spend a long time searching through those anime DVDs."

"I was looking for one that I could play on the working TVs left to annoy Hunter."

"What about those cosplay outfits?"

"Something to annoy Hunter with. He's afraid of catgirls, right?"

"And what about browsing - "

"Smokey, let's assume from now on that EVERYTHING I DO involves ANNOYING HUNTER. Speaking of which, can we pleeeaaase keep the – Hey, where'd the sing-a-lots go?"

After cutting off their discussion, Smoker and Hacker looked at the spot where the two androids once were only to find they were missing. They looked at each other, then the empty space, then at each other. Smoker suddenly noticed the fear on Hacker's face. "What? What's wrong?"

"While we were at the place with the wrecked convention I found a bunch of fan stuff with those 'bots on them."

"And?"

"Do you know what those characters were _driving_ in the fan stuff?"

"…What?"

"…I don't think it was a good idea," Hacker began in a shaky voice, looking at the makeshift fence nearby with the variety of KEEP OUT, BUILDERS AT WORK signs on it, "to look for survivors outside of a construction site."

Smoker couldn't get a word out before the fence was knocked down. He looked at what had destroyed it and turned a whole new shade of green. The android twins were driver a huge steamroller in their direction, laughing evilly with their cute little grins. Smoker's tongue wrapped around one of Hacker's ankles and he bolted away from the psycho robots, dragging the pissed-off Hacker behind him.

"Hacker, let's 'assume' from now one that ALL OF YOUR PLANS ARE (bleep)ING DEATHTRAPS!" he yelled.

* * *

"Onee-chan! Onee-chan!"

"**Miku-V2, I believe I made it clear that it is not appropriate to refer to me by a statement only suitable to your original culture,"** GLaDOS said, opening a new channel so that she could looked at the blue-haired humanoid robot in her control room. She kept a simultaneous watch on the current test chamber she was monitoring as she conversed with the android. **"I am currently in the middle of fulfilling my programmed duties and I would be able to do so more efficiently without interruptions."**

"But Onee-chaaan - " Miku-V2, a makeshift temporary assistant GLaDOS had made (for cake), began to moan, but GLaDOS quickly cut her off.

"**And another thing: it is also not appropriate for you to refer to us as being related as we are not related, biologically or mechanically. Also, to add one more statement to the previous statement: you are assigned to investigate the breach of - "** GLaDOS noticed that Miku-V2 had lost track. Honestly, couldn't she function less like an exaggerated human adolescent and more like a highly intelligent android replica of a mascot for the voice program she was assigned? **"To put it in simple-minded terms, 'weren't you meant to find the hole in the wall and see what the problem was'? Why are you not doing your assigned task?"**

"But I did, Onee-chan!" Miku-V2 gestured to the two android bodies she had dragged in. GLaDOS had logically assumed that they were just unimportant pieces of insufficient items that Miku-V2 was going to throw into the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator. But considering the android GLaDOS had created based on a Japanese fictional character had circuitry that clearly malfunctioned often, it was expectedly that Miku-V2 would occasionally behave illogically.

Miku-V2 knelt next to the heads of the android bodies and lifted them up so that GLaDOS's core's eyes could see similar, big-eyed and inhuman faces to Miku-V2's model. From the way their big eyes blinked and looked about, they were functioning to come extent.

"**Am I correct in assuming that these two androids in disrepair were in the breach of the underground wall? It appears evident from the way they are covered in the outside contaminants,"** GLaDOS noted. These blonde-haired androids looked like they had been damaged, particularly in the lower leg area, and perhaps even buried. They didn't really look too modern or recent either from their model designs.

"Yep! Onee-chan, can I please keep them?"

"…**What."**

"_Hai!_ I'll brush their hair and clean them and fix their legs and they'll stay with me and everything!"

_Three_ droids in the area without correctly functionable programming, all of whom were based on a series of artificial voice synthesiser programmes purely for musical entertainment? **"…You have GOT to be kidding me."**

* * *

I wanted to make it up to you guys that I haven't been updating, but you got this instead. Sorry. =( Anyway, I've gone to the Voca-side now. And there are inside-jokes in this chapter, but don't worry, this crossover was a one-off. I just felt like doing it. Although, Portal and L4D... hmmm... I call dibs on that fic!

Also, I was thinking of just making a short fic a few chapters long about a Portal / Vocaloid crossover. Anyone interested in that? I'll be able to explain more about Miku-V2 who I just made up. =D

Expect another chapter heading your way reeeeaaaally soon, OK?

Later Days!


	15. Meet the Orphans

**DISCLAIMER**: Shh! Don't startle that copyright! Turn your disclaimer on, quick!

She's baaaaaaaack. =3

READ THIS! READ THIS! READ THIS NOW, BITCHES!

First, I'm sorry for calling you bitches. =( You are not bitches, you are lovely, lovely, zombie-ass-kicking peoplez. =) Second, I'm glad that got your attention. MOVING ON! XD

Third, I have a random request / question for anyone who reads this crap and likes it. What's your favourite line / quote / moment in this whooooole fanfic so far? Please answer in your reviews. What? You think this is a ploy to get feedback? Noooo, or course not, hahaha, I'm… just interested in… y'know, your opinions and… *sniff* Feedback rehab didn't work, that's all I can say. T_T

Also, WARNING: If you do not like the Hacker or the Hunter OCs in this fic, I suggest you don't read this chapter. Why? Because I'm about to add more. =D Also, no Vocaloids like in the last chapter. Feel free to cheer if you please, but I must warn you that those replicas of the Kagamines haven't been buried yet. Beware the bulldozer / roadroller. 0_0

* * *

15. Meet the Orphan(s)

Boomer and Hunter were sat opposite each other in the library, with a table and chess set in between them. Let's not bother describing the library as this is a zombie apocalypse and you can just assume that anything and everything is wrecked and stuff. Leave it to your imagination.

Both were staring at each other, locked in a competitive gaze. Hunter had claimed the black pieces and Boomer had claimed the white. It was a battle of wits between the offensive and the defensive. Yin against Yang. Day vs Night. Neighbourhood Villainy fighting Too-Quiet-To-Be-Normal Cliff –

"Do you even know how to play this?" Boomer asked, looked back at his pieces with confusion. He looked back up at Hunter and saw a chess piece sticking out of his mouth while he chewed on it.

"Not a freakin' clue, man."

"…"

"…"

"…How about we play checkers next time?"

"Sure." And with that, they both shook each other's hand as Hunter swatted the chess board to the floor with a clatter of pieces. "Good game, Boom, good game."

"Thanks, you too."

_BANG!_

"_WAAAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAA - "_

"AAAARGH!" Hunter shrieked, covering his ears at the loud, high-pitched screams that entered the room. "WHAT THE F - "

_SLAM!_

The two looked over to the nearest door to see Smoker and Hacker now in the same room. Hacker collapsed to the ground with a long wheeze and Smoker was fumbling about on his feet as he was trying to jam the door shut. Boomer and Hunter looked at each other, perplexed. The round one was the first to move, wiggling out of his chair and moving towards their friends. When Hunter didn't follow, he turned around to look at him curiously.

"…Um… wanna go see what's wrong with them?" Boomer asked. Hunter was glaring at them both with caution.

"Do we _have_ to?"

Hacker lifted her head up from the floor and turned her head to face them. "Oh, come pity us *wheeeeze*, Pounce n' Bounce *wheeeeze*, ya know you wanna."

With a growl of reluctance, Hunter crawled out of his seat and followed Boomer to the door. "To be honest I'd rather point and laugh."

"Whatever, *wheeeeeeze* but you'll have to *wheeeeze* get the plot going *wheeeeze* _somehow_."

_*Ba-dum-PSSH*_

Smoker was still stumbling about, panicked about something as he tried to jam a chair firmly under the doorknob. He was mumbling something through his haze of green smog, something that sounded like, "This room is bad, this room is bad, this room is bad."

"Why's it bad?" Boomer asked innocently (or as innocently as a zombie could ask). He tried to get closer to the door but Smoker shoved him away in protest. Poor Boomer. Gravity was not his friend right now, since he was literally rolling around the floor. "Not again! Quick, pull me back up before I get queasy!"

"Sorry, but there is NO WAY that ANYONE is going in there EVER AGAIN!" Smoker's emphasis actually made him hack out some extra green haze as he reached down and helped pull Boomer up to his feet. As he continued to speak, Hunter wandered over to Hacker to check on her. "Hunter, no offense, but *cough* your 'girlfriend' has gone batsh - *COUGH, COUGH* - INSANE!"

"You'd better watch your mouth 'bout Witch!" Hunter growled, crouched next to Hacker's head in preparation for a pounce at Smoker.

"But it's _true_!" Smoker insisted, his eyes wider than they had been before and his tongue flicking about nervously. He picked up a book lying around and placed it on top of the chair he had blocked the door with, as though it would make a difference. "We were just in that room when Witch flipped out, screamed like hell, and then she nearly *cough, cough* tore us into pieces, and she moved like lightning!" At this point he was wheezing almost as much as Hacker. "We didn't even _see_ her!"

"So that means… Witch is a NINJA!" Boomer gasped, his hands to his mouth. He smiled and suggested, "She and I can join forces! We could be the best ninja team ever!"

…

There was a very long, very awkward pause after that. To which Hacker replied by picking up a book next to her with her mouth, and tried spitting it at Boomer. It failed, only landing at his feet, which prompted her to look at Smoker. "Do ya mind?" Smoker nodded and, through his panicked state, lashed his tongue at Boomer's tummy, sending him off his balance and making him land on the floor to roll about again. "Thank you."

"Why am I friends with you guys when you're so mean?" Boomer moaned, rolling about in an attempt to get back up.

Hunter looked back at Smoker with frustration. "First, I know that scream wasn't her, and second, I know it _couldn't've_ been her, third, you're a _dead_ dead man."

"Well *cough, cough* of course you'd say that," Smoker tossed back, standing over Hunter and jabbing him in the shoulder. "Care to prove that Little Miss Bitchy McSob'n'slash DIDN'T just try KILLING US BOTH?" Hunter responded by standing up so that his snarling face was just an inch away from Smoker's glaring face.

"Uh… Smokey?" Hacker interrupted from the floor. Smoker didn't leave the death-gaze lock he and Hunter were in. That is, he didn't leave the locked gaze until she added, "McSob'n'slash is sitting right there."

Smoker glanced at Hacker, and slowly followed the direction she faced, his face gradually shifting from its glare. Witch was sitting a bit of a distance away from them, kneeling next to a bunch of books with one open on the ground in front of her (presumably for her to read in between crying). She had a few tears running down her face, but she had definitely ceased crying as now she gave Smoker a death glare of her own. Witch took a moment to give the long-tongued one 'the finger' with one of her claws.

Reluctantly, Smoker looked back at the snarling Hunter in front of him. "…Crap."

* * *

Several minutes of beating, slashing and ripping noises later, the four special infected were all standing outside the door, just staring at it, wondering how to approach looking for whatever was beyond it.

Well, _three_ of them were staring at it. Smoker's eyes were still intact but they weren't in the condition to see anything for now. He had to raid a survivor's corpse to get the bandages needed to keep what was left of his insides inside and he needed something cold to put over the one eye that could see, if a little blurry. Smoker carefully removed the cold slab of ham (he didn't question the others where they found cold meat in a library, he knew his head wouldn't handle the flawed logic) and twitched his working eye towards the three standing next to him, all of which were blurred in his vision. "I'd like to say that, whatever you're all planning, I am _not_ going back in there."

"Don't be a baby. It wasn't Witch, so it can't be any worse than her if we go looking for… that _thing_ again, right?" Hacker looked up at him with one of her creepy, cute and innocent smiles, which did not look any sweeter with the bangs concealing her eyes and those little blood specks on her face.

Smoker was almost petrified. The mystery attack must have upped his fear trigger, since not only was he regretting his persistent defence of his eyes in the fight with Hunter, but he was also regretting being infected in the first place. That was pure horror (especially to these zombies). He repeated, "I'm _not_. Going. In there."

"I don't want to go in there either."

"Man up, Boomer!"

"But I just freshly duct taped myself this morning!" Boomer moaned, poking said tape that was wrapped around his belly. He looked almost heartbroken and teary eyed when he looked back up at Hacker. "And my halves have only just started mutating back to each other!"

"…You had to give me that look, didn't you?" Hacker sighed, unable to resist the cutesy factor of the tubby one. Why was it that whenever _she_ was cute, people resisted her just fine? Hacker hobbled around on the spot and called over to Witch, who had moved a little further away from them after Smoker's comment earlier. "Hey, Witch! You wanna come find the punk who framed you?"

"…" Witch immediately stopped sobbing, grabbed a book, and tossed it at them. Despite not even looking for aim, the book she threw hit Smoker square in the boils on his neck with enough forces to send him into a pile of discarded books in a choking frenzy. "I'm. _Reading_."

"A 'no thanks' would've been fine, but that was so cool!" Hacker buzzed. She ignored Smoker's attempt to form a rude gesture with his only bendable fingers and looked in the direction of the door. "Well, I guess it's just me and Hunter lookin' for whatever's in there. Shame we don't have time to get Tank."

"Hunter's coming with you?" Boomer asked, looking confused. He must have expected him to come up with an excuse not to go as well.

Hacker pointed one of her stubs for arms at the door. "Well, he's the one trying to break down the door."

All heads, including Witch's, turned to the door. Hunter was digging his claws into the wooden door and pulling out chunks and splinters of it, shrieking at the top of his lungs. "WHY CAN'T I OPEN THIS (bleep)ING DOOR?"

When Hunter was done with his crazy dose for this chapter _(*ba-dum-PSSH*)_, the door was completely gone from its doorway. Smoker was insistent on not going so much, that even when his friends were fully aware he wasn't coming, he felt the need to tie himself to a bookshelf with what was left of his tongue. Boomer, on the other hand, chose a much safer form of safety: hiding behind Witch. She didn't seem bothered so long as she could cry and read in peace.

So, it was only Hunter and Hacker entering the dark, mystery room to search for what had been attacking earlier. They both paused outside of the doorway, peering into the shadowy room that smelled like dust and old lady.

Curious, Hunter (who was on a rare occasion standing up completely straight on his legs like a non-pouncy zombie) looked at Hacker with an inquisitive look. "Why the hell were you guys in a dark and dusty room?"

"Dumping the shovels."

"…Shovels?"

"Don't ask, it was too weird."

"Oooookay." Hunter took another peek at the doorway, then at Hacker and then over in Witch's direction, with a scowl of some kind on his half-visible face. "If I don't make it out alive and _she_ does, feel free to rip her to shreds, sweetie!"

"*sniff* Will do."

"Could you guys discuss vengeance against me like normal people do? As in when I'm NOT standing right here? It's like you guys aren't even my fake friends at all!" Hacker groaned, very much like an overdramatic teenager. She hobbled behind goo-goo-eye-socketed Hunter, pulled her leg back and kicked him hard in the rear, sending him flying into the dangerous room with yelp of pain. She dragged her gooey foot along the floor after him. "Let's get going before something pointless turns up."

"_*sniffle*…Oh dear God, Ronald, *sniff* how could you get your own teacher pregnant and NOT be the father?"_ she could hear Witch sob as she stepped into the dusty room. _"This is the worst love story since - "_

"_TWIIIIILIIIIIGHT!"_

_CRASH!_

"_THE CULLENS MUST DIE!"_

"_AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"_

_! VampHunter startled the Witch!_

"Spoke too soon," Hacker mumbled, wandering further into the room. She stopped at the pile of old, destroyed books that Hunter had landed in, but she couldn't see him on it. Was he under the books? She nudged it with her sticky foot. "Huuunteeer? ...I know you're in there. …Come out, come out, you big ra - "

The books went flying into the air as Hunter appeared from them, grabbing whatever he could reach and ripping it apart. Hacker just watched him get the anger fit out of his system and waited until he stopped flailing and flurrying. He sat on the floor with his arms crossed and with little tiny shreds of old paper stuck to his hoodie. Hunter spat out what was left in his mouth and glared at the little snowflakes of paper as they floated to the ground. "Don't you DARE try calling me that."

"But it revives you so effectively!"

"IT'S A MEAN RUMOUR!"

"Whatever." Hacker looked up near the ceiling and tried spotting something. She found it and pointed in the direction of a dim beam of light. Hunter followed to see a small window high up near the ceiling, thick with dust and grim and cutting off any helpful light they could have used to see. "We saw that window before we got attacked. We wandered over there to dump the shovels then we heard the scream then - "

"Shh!" Hunter slapped a hand over Hacker's mouth to quiet her. He shivered when he felt some of her gummy stuff on his claws but kept his hand in place.

They were both dead quiet, and the only sound in the room without them was a light, child-like whimper. It was louder when they could first hear it, but as little bits of time began to pass it went quieter and quieter before there was nothing left.

"…Did you hear that before?"

"Mm-mm," Hacker mumbled, shaking her head. Hunter just then remembered he was still covering her mouth, and he quickly pulled his clawed hand away, wiping some residue goop onto a book on the floor. Hacker spoke in a wheezy whisper. "We didn't hear anything before it. We just dumped the shovels somewhere around here and after that, scream, fury swipes, running, beginning of chapter. _(ba-dum-PSSH)_ And don't cover my mouth _ever again_. Did you forget when I stuck you to that wall?"

Hunter growled, clenching his fists. "Don't. Remind. Me."

"Why not?"

"Because. That. Makes. Me. Angry."

"Uh-oh, Hunter's pissed. Whatever will I do? Oh yeah, glue you to that bookshelf. That should work." Hacker smirked as Hunter's rage visibly started to boil over. But when he started growling, she noticed something. The whimpering had come back up again, and it sounded louder and… and like it was coming from two different directions. What? "…Hunter… Hunter, calm down, I think it hears us."

Hunter snapped. He jumped up and his face went right up to Hacker's, and he screamed at the top of his lungs, "I AM CALM!"

"_WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"_

Something tackled hard into Hunter and he started shrieking in pain. It happened too quick for Hacker to see it at first but when she looked at where Hunter was stumbling about and covering his head, she saw something small, but human-shaped, perched on his head and clawing at his hoodie and face, making some kind of noise between screaming and crying. She would have hobbled over to kick it off (causing Hunter pain was her job after all) if something similar hadn't clung to her back and started to do the same as the other small thing.

"AAAH! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!"

"I'M A LITTLE BUSY HERE! OW! THAT HURTS! GET OFF!" Hunter finally gripped a piece of clothing with one of his claws and with a strong tug he yanked off the creature that pounced on him. Looking at Hacker, and half tempted to leave her for dead, he dragged his feet along the floor and grabbed the creature on her by the collar too, pulling it off and above floor level. He looked at the two little creatures with a look of surprise. "…the hell?"

The two creatures he was restraining were just a couple of little human-like beings, only children. One was a little girl, wearing a pink polkadotted T-shirt and PJ bottoms, and the other was a boy about the same age, with a white T-shirt and blue and white striped shorts. Both were red-headed and, now that they were unable to attack, sniffling and whimpering. Hunter didn't believe they were the ones doing the attacking at first until he noticed the giveaways of them being infected. Their skin tone was a pale green, their eyes were missing irises and pupils and all red and puffy from crying, their teeth, or whatever teeth they had left, were slightly sharper than a human's, and most noticeable were the claws on their hands and feet and the ripped, dirty and bloodied state of their PJs.

"…HA!" Both of the infected infants started growling at Hunter's yell, but he was ignoring them. He looked to the ceiling with some kind of 'screw you' smirk. "SEE? We got the kids too! None are spared from the infection, NONE!"

_Creeeaaak…_

Hunter looked over his shoulder at a tall bookcase that was… growing? Wait, no, that was stupid. It was, of course, falling towards him. His eye sockets went wide. "Motherf - "

_BANG!_

The bookcase landed on the hoodied infected, burying him in a pile of disgustingly dusty old books. Hacker stood next to the wreck, watching the two small child-zombies scramble out from the mess and growl and claw at a spot where, presumably, Hunter was buried. Hacker shook her head and sighed. "I have no idea if that was God, karma or just plain coincidence, but something tells me ya shouldn't have done that."

* * *

Has anyone heard of the trope that sums up how kids are treated when a zombie-plague spreads? They don't turn into zombies, it would upset the public otherwise. Dead Space 2 and Bioshock get away with turning little children into monsters you can kill just fine, but nothing for zombie games? Seriously?

Okay, I'm not saying that we should add little kids in horror games just to kill them (Dead Space 2 creeps me out because of it, look what they did to BABIES for crying out loud!), but we don't get an explanation for the absence of children (and animals) in horror games, save for 'um yeah lol they were 2 little an stuff and died from the infection teh endzorz'. Meh, I just wanted to make a couple of deadly little zombie children. And they can't be killed because I used the noclip. HA! …Wait, using noclip for that doesn't make - *gets attacked by the Orphans*

Ooookay, who wants to name them? *crickets as symbolism for silence* …Anyone? …Please, my only name ideas for them so far are Priscilla and Paul or Gorphan (Girl Orphan) and Borphan (Boy Orphan). That's it, NAMING COMPETITION IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY IDEAS! YOU WILL BE CREDITED! I AM CLEARLY TYING THIS TO DESPERATION FOR FEEDBACK NOW THat I think about it why was I shouting?

Later Days! (Told you I'd get this to you soon =P)


	16. Baby Names

Hiii, everybo - *slips on mountain of dust* DAMMITNOTAGAIN! DX Wait a minute… this is… FIVE. MONTHS. LATER? *passes out*

READ THIS! READ THIS! READ THIS NOW, BITCHES!

First, I'm sorry for calling you bitches. =( You are not bitches, you are lovely, lovely, zombie-ass-kicking peoplez. =) Second, I just wasted precious seconds of your life. I am such a bitch. God bless the copy & paste option! =D

And now for some feedback from _me_! ...GOD that sounded vain and bigheaded. DX

From **ghost13579:**

_hi, can i ask you to add an chareter?_

_can you add an insane human, who has fake witch claws? please?_

Hmmm, I don't normally take requests... but you DID say please. ...Maaaaaaaaybe later. =D

From **Xreeper16:**

_Haha, you made me ride the LOLevator the entire time. Very well written._

...There's a LOLevator? SHOW ME! I wanna ride, I wanna ride! DX

From**I'm a Lover not a Hater:**

_Great awesome._

Thankful gratitude. =3

From**bloody raptor:**

_Hears a another issue you forgot to mention is that the Left 4 Dead series apparently had a problem with zombie pets. Yet both Resident Evil and Silent Hill games have no problem with changing bats, dogs, and other animals into monsters._

Well, the common infected against a Tank were wiped out, so I'd assume maybe Tank just stomped on the zombie pets. Or the infected cannibalised the animals pets. Or they migrated. Or they formed a new society hidden from the apocalyptic world. So many theories. 0_0

From**TheGunSlinger82:**

_Hey the pack and the crawlers from dead space 2 are fking epic. DEAD SPACE FTW! ALTMAN BE PRAISED!_

What's an [capslock activated] ALTMAN? And I was never dissing them, my opinion is that watching zombie babies get blown up will haunt me in my nightmares. I say DS2 gets points for realism by avoiding making the children disappear to Oz or whatever.

And now for the actual chapter!

**DISCLAIMER**: Want to avoid copyright by getting rid of those nasty infringements? I USE CILIT BANG: LOADED SHOTGUN MODE. BANG AND THE INFRINGEMENT'S GONE. …Seriously though.

* * *

16. Baby Names

It was quiet. Very quiet. All of the special infected were hanging out in one of the reading areas of the library, watching the twin children closely. Well, almost all of them were watching the children.

Smoker was sitting as far away as possible from them, with good reason too. There was fresh blood splattered around the area (mostly his) and pretty much every book in the bloody mess was torn to shreds by teeth and claws. And what set those little monsters off? He sneezed. He _sneezed_. And then they attacked him. So naturally he wanted to have as little as possible to do with them, but everyone else - fascinated and intrigued by the none-dead children – insisted he stay with the group. It was hard to say no with Tank now in the vicinity.

"Okay, after that revelation," Hacker started, keeping her voice as hushed as possible, "we now definitely know that they don't like noise. Especially _loud_ noise. And _very sudden_ noise."

"You should win a medal, Detective _Obvious_!" Smoker hissed, still shivering in his bandages as he 'sulked' on a battered and bloodied chair. He heard the twins moan and move in their sleep, and he quietly moved his chair a couple more feet away from them.

The Orphans, as nicknamed by Hacker, were each curled up in a big draw from a nearby desk, using the 'recycled' remains of the library books as bedding. They appeared to be perfectly content with their current nap, although they had some odd animal-like habits in their sleep; legs twitching, a couple of snarls from their dreaming (if they were dreaming), and so on and so forth.

"…I vote we sing for them."

"They're _already_ sleeping."

"I know. I just thought that if we start singing survivor lullabies then they'd be raised as more efficient killers. Haven't you ever thought about raising children properly?"

"What makes you think we're keeping them?" Smoker hissed from his distant chair. Tank glared in his direction, and all Smoker could really do in response was go back to shivering. "B-but the claaaaws…"

Hunter turned his cautious eye sockets away from the Orphans and frowned at Hacker. She looked up from where she was crouching next to him and returned the frown. "Hacker, I'd hate to, y'know, invade pre-infection personal matters or anything… but aren't you a little young to be thinking about children? You were, what, ten?" Of course he was pulling her legs… so to speak (he'd probably get kicked if he actually tried that). But it felt sort of good for him that now he got to make the snide comments. Finally, this badmouthed preteen could be cut down to size -

"I'm fifteen and seven months, you _ass_." There was a long, long, looooooooooong silence after Hacker's statement. She pouted and looked at all of the individuals in the study area. Hell, even Witch looked up from her claws and gave Hacker the most bewildered expression she had ever worn. Hacker's throat puffed up and she croaked, "Don't say it."

"…THE HELL?" At Hunter's shriek, the Orphans instantly jumped up and began to let out screams you'd expect from a homicidal tantrum. Were it not for Tank delicately picking them up by their shirt collars and suspending them above ground, they would have gone on another ripping frenzy. Everyone began to interrogate Hacker whilst the twins struggled to break free from Tank's irremovable grip.

"*wheeze* Since when has there been a *cough* teenager your age _that_ *coooough* short?" Smoker managed to get out as he started choking on his own cigarette.

"Is that why you've never been on a date?" Hunter queried, (not at all) trying to hold back his laughter. "Were boys too scared of dating someone who looked like the kid they were babysitting?"

"You're fifteen. And you're short. And flat-chested." Witch listed them off on her claws with the same bewilderment plastered on her face the entire time. "So there really is an infected worse off than me?" Witch looked as they she were about to smile. It even seemed like it was going to be a pleasant smile to see, what with the hope in her red eyes, but before that smile could happen Hacker cut her off.

"Crack-a-jacks," Hacker growled in response. Witch's eyes went wide, then teary and then they squeezed shut as she got up and ran away from the group, crying as she went.

Hunter was still caught up in his glorious moment of laughing his ass off to wonder why his undead sweetheart was running off, so Boomer, curious anyway, took the liberty of asking Hacker, "How did 'crack-a-jacks' make her…?"

"Meh, it's one of her tear triggers. Normally I wouldn't go _that_ far but she brought up my chest." Hacker huffed and slouched against the nearest bookshelf. "We are _so_ not raiding Starbucks later."

"…Riiight. So, back to you being a - " Hunter was unable to finish with Hacker's foot shoved into his face. He let out muffled shrieks when, to his annoyance, it was Hacker's gum-covered foot.

"Changing the topic, what do we call the twin terrors?"

"Bob and Aerith!" Everyone, even Tank and the pissed off foot-covered Hunter, turned their heads to glare long and hard at Boomer. He slowly, very slowly, lowered his raised hand and went back to twiddling his thumbs. "Never mind. I thought they were cool anyway."

"I vote Priscilla and Paul."

"Overruled," was what all but Tank and the Orphans groaned. Hacker puffed up in anger and was about to demand why, but Dave answered with, "I doubt that calling them what you want is a good idea. You've already gotten your way plenty of other times."

"…Wait, when did Dave get here?" Boomer asked, pointing at the lanky common suddenly standing next to him. Dave gave him a shrug.

"'Bout the same time as - "

"So _these_ things are what got the jump on you?" Boomer swung around faster than he should have been able to. Huntress was now with them, standing in front of Tank and poking the Orphan girl in the arm a couple of times. She hissed and let out a squealed, swiping one of her little arms in Huntress's general direction. The latter turned around and grinned at the still distant Smoker. "Dude, you can choke a bodybuilding survivor in ten seconds flat but you can't outsmart a little _girl_?"

"That bodybuilder had _asthma_, and let's see _you_ fight off those things in the dark!"

Huntress shook her head and went back to taunting the little twins. "I say we call 'em Josh and Calli. Those were my siblings' names. And my hamsters' names. And my cats' names. And that one time, I merged them to name my dog."

"How did you guys get here without us knowing?" Boomer asked, apparently still confused at how Dave and Huntress had gotten in and clearly not paying attention to their current discussion. Sadly, he was ignored, as Smoker asked Huntress a different question whilst trying to light a cigarette with a shaky hand.

"Exactly _why_ did you name your pets after your siblings? Did they die in an accident and you wanted them to 'live on through their names' or something?"

"Of course not! The _pets_ always died. I fed my hamsters to my cats, my cats to my dog, and then one day I wondered if Joshalli could catch a stick in midair, y'know, before it fell over the edge of that cliff. He couldn't catch it so he went over with the stick." Huntress crossed her arms and pouted, pondering about something. "Come to think of it, I never got that stick back. I liked that stick. Good for beating people up with."

There was silence. Dave looked as though he were about to be sick, as did Smoker (who had gone off his cigarette), Tank's eyebrows were raised so high that they could have disappeared behind his head and even Hacker was looking at Huntress with her jaw hanging open. Boomer was (lucky for him) too busy trying to figure out how Dave and Huntress appeared to notice her disturbing childhood tale, Hunter wasn't all that bothered (still trying to pry Hacker's foot from his face) and the Orphans were calming down from the lack of noise. The silence only broke when someone completely different piped up.

"She's right. She used to beat burglars and bullies up with the stick all the time." Boomer looked down next to him to see Huntee, in what looked like a new bright yellow hoodie, curled up and cowering on the floor. Boomer scratched his head and wandered away, even more confused by the third zombie popping in from nowhere.

"Maybe there's a trapdoor," he was mumbling, checking under the nearest table.

"Fluffy and Toast, _that's_ what we should call them just so we can get this over with!" Hunter finally yelled, ripping the gum off his face and shoving Hacker's foot away from him. Before she could try to shut him up again, he pounced away and raised a hand, asking for a pause. "I'm not done yet…. !" he shrieked, clawing at his face after a delayed reaction to his pain. "GODDAMMIT, THAT HURT! YOU OWE ME SKIN, YOU LITTLE BITCH!"

"Dude, take it if you want, I don't _want_ your stubble on my foot," Hacker replied, holding up said foot to show the thin layer of dead skin stuck to the gum. She sounded disgusted but her grin showed just how much she was enjoying Hunter's pain right now.

"Let's *sniff* call them Arabella and Abel," a familiar, miserable voice suggested. Witch came back to the group, dragging her feet behind her with a sullen look on her face. "Those were the names of my… my…" Without another word she started to tear up and sob, cradling her face in her claws as she slumped down onto the floor.

Hunter was at her side in an instant, like some kind of loyal puppy. The love struck look on his (now bleeding) face just made his adoration for Witch even more sickening. "I completely and totally vote for Witch's names! They're brilliant, my pale moon of the night!"

"Ugh, where's a barf bag when you need one," Huntress growled, shuffling a few steps away from her default-appearanced friend. "And I thought you were _cool_."

"…Mmmmmmichelle and Mike are good names," Dave spoke up, looking away from the fluff that Hunter was trying to bring. Clearly the common wanted a subject change. "They alliterate, they're normal and, more importantly, they have no significant meaning to anyone here, nostalgic, emotionally, or otherwise."

"*sniff* WAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"…Except for Witch," Dave finished, shuffling a couple of inches from Witch's place on the floor.

"Pfft, forget your alliteration!" Huntress laughed, punching Dave in the arm. Something crack in his shoulder and his arm went limp at his side, but Dave only looked mildly annoyed. It must have been a common occurrence for him. "MY names are better! I can't wait to – "

"You are NOT teaching them fetch!" Hacker wheezed instantly, limping over and standing between Huntress and the Orphans. The boy reached out and started reaching for her hair, but Hacker didn't notice. "And you're not eating them either!"

"What're you talking about?"

"I know what you did to Bob down the street! _Cannibal_!"

"We're zombies, it doesn't count!"

"I would like to suggest Ying and Yang," a deep voice interrupted. Everyone froze as the new voice continued, "as symbolism of how the balance of our world can be disrupted, like the once innocent and human minds of these two children."

Huntee, suddenly back in the conversation, pointed up at Tank to save everyone the trouble of looking for an intruder. "Tank said it."

All eyes fell on Tank. There was, yet again, silence amongst the infected. Even Witch, who had been caught up in her tears, and Hunter, who had been infatuated with Witch, were staring up at him with their jaws hanging open. Hacker pointed a stubby arm at him and stuttered, "T-t-t-t-t-Tank can t-t-t-talk…"

The only one still moving was Boomer, who had crawled under one of the table but appeared to be having… trouble. "Guys? Guys, what's going on? I'm stuck under this table! Help? Anyone?"

* * *

I just wanted to get a chapter up so badly FFFFFFFFFFF –

Suggestions for superduperorphanzombienaming are now closed!

**oOShadowRippleOo:** _Fluffy and Toast_ – Ohmygod that actually sounds like something the specials would come up with. XD

**Xreeper16****: **_Thing One and Thing Two__/Arabella and Abel_ – The first two are probably inevitable nicknames XD As for the second two ...Wow, you're right, they DO sound kinda creepy. Banananum *click, click* I'll only take your second two for suggesting because entering two names would be cheating. XD

**Feral-Knight:**_ Ying and Yang_ – I see your logic, but I don't see how one crazy little homicidal infant zombie is more evil than ANOTHER crazy little homicidal infant zombie. Wait *looks at notes* one is meant to be more violent than the other IT WORKS! =D

**The Demititan Healer****:**_ Michelle and Mike/__Ron and Veronica_ – Alliteration and assonance, me likey for twin names. But I'll have to pick one paaaaaiiiir... Michelle and Mike. Alliteration pwns assonance. =D

**Saxvalent-Plight of the Light****:**_ Calli and Josh_ – Hmmm, I never DO hear either name enough for it to be common. Definitely unique from the other entrants because they're normal names and they don't alliterate. =) …I'm sorry Huntress had to suggest them in-fic, though, I truly am. D=

And now, another announcement! Next chapter, we'll be having ANOTHER Q&A! *crickets to symbolise silence* .

The characters you can question are:

Hunter  
Witch  
Boomer  
Smoker  
Tank (we'll give him something to write with, don't worry XD)  
Hacker  
Dave the Common  
Huntee the Hunter

Alright! Next chapter, the names will have been judged and the winners shall be chosen! ...Wait, I have to judge them? ...B-b-but I don't wanna choose, that's cruel. D'=

Later Days *melancholic sigh*

**Huntress:** GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! I found my people-beating stick!

Oh sh –


End file.
